Warning : Explicit RAGE

i wanted to kill her!
oh my god!
these people piss me off.
she was standing right next to me, talking crap.
she must've been a good ventroliquist cuz it looked like she was talking thru her mouth but im soooo sure she was talking out her ass!
oh my god!
people are such jackasses.
sometimes i wonder if there was a god, why he doesnt just strike them down with a bolt of lightning or something!
like George Carlin puts it "the kid who swallows too many marbles doesnt grow up to have any kids of his own"
darwin proved evolution.Why are dumb people still around.
AAAAAAAAAGH!!!!

i mean look if you dont know what happening is it that necessary to open your mouth and put your foot in it?
i would like to say people at this point in stead of "her" cuz more people will fall in the "stupid dumb fuck" category.



u probably dont know what im talkin about, completely clueless as to what it was that let out this outburst (boy i wanted to choke her).
well to cut a long story short she believed that she knew all that there was to know and all knowledge of the world ended where hers ended, and that nothing existed beyond that.
i do mean "there are people out there who know more than you, you stupid bitch"
give people some credit for their work.
fer cryng out loud, there oughta be a law against suck people.

ok the story is like this.

the story goes some thing like this.
today there was a robot competition happenin in my dept.
and one particular guy had built a bartending robot which worked like this.
you have a card (playing card size)which you swipe over the robots optical scanner.
connected to the robo was an itouch which would identify the image and followed a pattern of fixed paths depending on the image to a rack of assorted softdrinks. pick up the softdrink requested, come back and deposit it at the particular counter.
Madam saunters over
compares teh whole fucking robot and its capabilities as "arre ye toh line follower hai" (its just a line follower).(a project where the robot follows a painted line and does nothing else)[which happened to be just a part of teh whole project"
it boiled my blood.

A maze ing

some times you just stand there as an observer and the world around you changes...some how kinda like looking through a chain link fence.....kinda like an outta this world optical illusion.
i walked to the bus stop this mornin and as i stood there with "the memory remains" blaring into my skull i briefly saw this world for what it was.
a flash of reality in this farce of a dreamworld we live in.
i saw that we built machines..incredibly accurate in what they are designed for...i mean did you ever stop to think how difficult it really is to make a vehicle go straight?
i mean 101 things can go wrong from a lopsided wheel to a slightly bent steering column....right down to ball bearings...but we manage it...

and then....we make the rules !!

who gave us the right to govern ourselves i ask you?
do you really think humans are that fuckin superior???
first we make a road...
then we make those nice short white lines on the road to make lanes and say pick one and drive...
ever seen a lab experiment with rats navigating a maze???
thats the reality i saw the world to be...
going where we are supposed to like rats.....
trapped in our nice white and yellow lines...
markings telling us to go slow and not to take a u turn...



you're trapped like a RAT!!!

my evil brain

its beautiful if you can understand how the body works.
its even more fascinating to see the brain in action.
especially when it wants release.
it can go to great lengths to bring up Gigs of videos and audios and stills in your brain to help block certain rather painful thoughts.
Im going through a rough patch here myself and ive been noticing that my brain isint workin with me....in fact i feel its working against me.
im tired of life.very tired.the fact that there is so much to do and see and feel just doesnt interest me any more...it doesnt.
its not that i wanna run from life, no thats not it..some how i dont see how many more decades of getting up in the morning and working out just another day, just to end it and wake up the following morning.
anyway back to my brain, any normal brain wud now coax the body with some adrenalin and some nice memories intermingled with a dash of hope and a sprinkings of dreams right about now.

but no! not my brain!! ....Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious up there has different ideas..it keeps me where i am , no blocking of the thoughts nothing.
now dont get me wrong its not what I want for myself...in fact i wud love to get outta this blue funk but what-to-do what-to-do...eh whaddajerk

of all the damn brains in the world i had to get the most sarcastic one

I cant watch South Park any more

There came a time in my past when sud had brought a few dvds with southpark on them to our place.C-14. Me das and rallan started off with season one and took it slow..watchin a couple of episodes a day and things like that. we went up to season 9 and had great time watching the stuff..

recently a friend of mine was watching south park..and one glimpse of the screen and 5 seconds of audio sent a wave of ..well not exactly nostalgia but definitely memory lane...all the smells and sights of the summer in akurdi when for lack of anything to do we watched southpark.esp my room mate rallan who went mediviial on it.
i remember he ran the southpark marathon..queuing up episode after episode after episode...as we wrote journals the south park theme would play on and on every 22 minutes....and i realised that i didnt want to sully that experience by changing the memories of southpark by watching them here and now...for i now know what when ever i hear the southpark theme, i will always remember, see and smell that idle summer in akurdi.

Gurgaon truckin

its been a while since i wrote so have a backlog of stuff i wanna write..
ill go in chronological order okay??..(like any one gives a shit!!)

any way
it was back in delhi..
i had almost geared up to leave fer the states..only a few loose ends needed to be tied up before leaving..One was sending my bike home from delhi...
not so difficult unless you imagine the logistics involved..
any way..dad arranged fer a trucker to haul my bike home in his truck..all fine and dandy so far..all i had was to go to gurgaon and drop off the bike at the truckers office..
all good..i drove the bike over and then had the task of makin it back to my place in delhi...the point was how?
i was deliberating the point on how best to make it back ...when the trucker offered me a ride...
a lil unsure at first..i accepted...
i got into the truck...and get this
it was amazingly typical..i mean i always imagined what the inside of the truck cabin was..i mean its the guys 2nd home fer cryin out loud....anyway it had this "jhalar" hanging around the windscreen on the inside...the seats were comfy...well they werent patent leather if you ask...but thet were good nuff..any way that day they were breakin in a new driver so aside from the khalassi (assistant, navigator, apprentice and in general man friday fer the driver)the owner of teh truck and the driver along with me piled into the cabin..needless to say it was atight fit..hehe
the trip started with the khalassi pulling out mountain dew..and pffered a drink...i guess it was the proverbial champagne fer the trip..


it was about here that i started observing things around the cabin..i mean these guys were organised on the inside... he had a mobile charger cable comin out of a blower vent fer his cell phone..."nifty"...hehe

a loong line of tapes..along the windscreen...and the typical tape deck which plays the tapes just that much too fast so that the voices on teh tape are high pitched and tinny...
and i was treated to sings that i had never heard fer ages.."chudi maja na degi ..chandan maa na dega"
"saajan mera us paar hai" and other time-gone-by hits..that too in a ultra high pitch..killer shit
an experience to die fer..the authentic trip in the cab of a truck from gurgain to delhi..i saw the probs truckers have with cops..how carefully they choose their routes...and what it takes to be a trucker..staying away from home and family fer weeks at a time...
Truckers.Salute!

Innocence Lost

As I stand in the balcony and take of the amber colored whiskey and stare down at the partially melted ice cubes, earplugs in my ear , blaring pantera, to prevent me from thinking too much, I contemplate, (my purpose defeated) the purpose of my life.

I stare at the whiskey and feel it dancing on my tongue, playing hopscotch with my taste buds (no pun intended), I turn around and look into the room. It looks as if a hurricane has hit it!
Clothes all around, suitcase over flowing, box bed flung open!
I'm packing and I realize looking at myself.Ive finally grown up!
REVELATION!
I never wanted to.I didn't.
I mean i never wanted to grow up but life makes some difficult choices for us, and in he making of these choices we are seldom left with any of our own choices, wants needs or conditions.
We end up as nothing more but victims!

So now.Victim.I stand before my self.Ashamedly!
Head hanging low.Ive failed my self as i've taken on responsibilities, and now the ultimate one!
Going off to America for studies.
sure I contemplated this before but the pressure is too much!
The sheer number crunching involved, the payments to make, the multiply by 40 syndrome is but hard to avoid.
An i realize how much responsibility ive taken on!
I dont want it.Didnt ask for it.Im merely a victim ofthe choices i made or rather have to make.

I balance the glass on the wall, thrust my hands in my pocket, pull out my player and change to an iron maiden track and stare out over into the beyond, my childhood lost!
An adult, irreversibly forever!

Stationary motion

its been a tough year!
People dont tend to see that!
i agree i took a year off cuz i needed the break and i dont blame anyone

for that.
ive never asked anything of anyone unless i had no other option.
but people can be so beautifully callous!
So totally oblivious to what a person is going through.
they dont stop to think how one casual statement made from x's mouth will affect y.
its crazy but yes.

being alone and lonesome without a peer group will do that to you !
i survived !
no-thanks to a lot of ppl whom i wont mention, who went out of their way to make me extra miserable, by their lack of foresightedness. Where is the god i was promised, who would strike these mortal fools down with lightining?
But im not complaining!
Though i bet you are asking yourself by now "if he's not complaining what the hell IS he doing?"
to answer that..its jus a casual ranting and raving.
getting down to brass tacks...

this is about me goin off to the states.

yes! despite ppl telling me "you will get thru man!!"
and only me knowing the bleak future that was awaiting me the no of rejects i was getting from the colleges i smiled, put on a brave face and finally dove (cricket wala) to save the run...i made it

University of Florida!
hmm
sounds good, doesnt it?
Sun,Sand,Surf?
Holiday?? hmm perhaps!

ppl have been asking me "you must be excited nai?" ala sethi saab in khosla ka ghosla.
NOT ! its just another college and classes all over again.
Its scary.no one sees that. a new place. ALL new ppl, no friends.Its bloody scary, plus its like a newbie goin abroad cuz ive never been anywhere man! SHIT im so screwed.No one sees the fear .No one understands.
the world is bullshit!

they hear Florida and conjure pictures of Disneyland and beaches and what not...they imagine goin to the US is a holiday, some ppl come up with images of strip clubs and lap dances...whatever turns em on man!
PPl say bas ab to aish hai!
it'll be like studying in goa.

Who the fuck studies in goa man.I'm pissed!

but such is my destiny
Like the song "I stand Alone".I stood alone while i saw my friends take up work and move on with their lives , do well for themselves. I stood alone while i saw ppl take up their masters and are half thru with their courses.
And all the while i stood alone and watched them move on like a freight train rumbling past the platform with a lone spectator watching it pass by!

but now i get a chance to move on too!and like a phoenix from the ashes i will resurrect.
i can forge a new image.... a new personality if i want.
Who will i be?? will i be me or him? or the other guy. or will one of my famous split personalities take over...the studious one? the alcoholic? the control freak? Who knows? who cares?

The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that ill finally have a peer group and also its some thing i must do! its a calling! and even though i have no one to lean on i must trudge forward!

Screw the world! Im goin to Florida! - ala cartman

The Female of the Species....

I recently moved to delhi...i dont have much to do..
now..
i was walkin along the road trying to get a rickshaw to get from point A to point B..
Simple enough?
good.
I was walkin until i came to this knot of people jus standing around...you know the helpful types that stand around watching a man bleed to death while they do nothing??
the same type.
one difference..thankfully there was no accident.
but there was a commotion towards the center.i walked on.(call me callous if you will but with 20 ppl already there i figure they dont need me.)
so i find a rick and get on...
i spy two men sittin in the center of the circle..with bandages...and two women fighting...

They say.."The eyes have it".
You also know what??
It is said that a persons eyes never change from birth to death.that is the one feature of a person that never changes.even the size.
The eyes can convey a host of emotion.Love fear pain, anger....and many more.

now on to my story...

well the women had eyes bulging out at each other screaming at the tops of their voices...im not bluffing i got scared for a minute there....Their eyes were scary like hell...and the men were calm as ..as whatever it is you are supposed to be calm as.

so any way i avoid lookin at the womens eyes and go on...
Im curious as to what happened with the bandaged man...and why the women were fighting..
well im not nosey so i kept to myself..
But ask and god provides.
another rick pulls up and they start chatting...
about..the big fight.

Well this is the long and short of it.
It seems that the dudes were rickshaw drivers and had a tiff over parking spots. beta each other up.Bled.Stopped.sorted things out, called it quits and went home to chill.
This is the good part.
The wives apparently didnt think its over ...so...get this..they drag the husbands back and restart the fight....and that brings us to the dialog that "how dare your husband beat up my husband" and "your husband is married to a so-and-so"...and of course the afore mentioned eye bulging..all this while the husbands sit side by side sharing a 'beedi'...

whats the moral of the story you ask??
Well the guys fought and made up but the women still had a problem and picked a fight..(hope they sorted it out)
Moral of the story people is "the female of the species is deadlier than the male"
and of course "don't fuck around with guys who are married or have girlfriends unless you have your own back up"

Goatie Blues

Yesterday.
No.
This story started in may.
Last semester of engineering.After my final Project display and Viva, i started growing my goatee.I had no authority over me, no officials to impress with my docility, i grew my goatee.
I grew it until feburary.
9 months.it grew long and thick.
People asked me why i grew it.I replied "because i can" and it was the truth.
I had no one to tell me i couldn't, so i could grow it however i wanted.
Over time it infused itself with me, became not only a part of me but also of my soul and personality.
I set my self apart from the populace.I'm not saying it made me cool or it made me hip.Just that it made me "me".I had a personality.I was something.With my goatee i was something...without it i was just another guy.
for 9 months the bond wit my goatees was strong.... i grew to love it...and i never missed my chin.
I worked for 2 months in an organization and i was the only one with a a goatee....i was indeed different...a part from the crowd....a singular entity..I felt like i was a king among cattle.
With it i was someone..without it i was a nobody.
Up until yesterday..it was time..time to let go .....time to give it up...join th masses because it was time..
i miss it...and i miss that part of my personality that it took with it....
i wanna be somebody....