Gurgaon truckin

its been a while since i wrote so have a backlog of stuff i wanna write..
ill go in chronological order okay??..(like any one gives a shit!!)

any way
it was back in delhi..
i had almost geared up to leave fer the states..only a few loose ends needed to be tied up before leaving..One was sending my bike home from delhi...
not so difficult unless you imagine the logistics involved..
any way..dad arranged fer a trucker to haul my bike home in his truck..all fine and dandy so far..all i had was to go to gurgaon and drop off the bike at the truckers office..
all good..i drove the bike over and then had the task of makin it back to my place in delhi...the point was how?
i was deliberating the point on how best to make it back ...when the trucker offered me a ride...
a lil unsure at first..i accepted...
i got into the truck...and get this
it was amazingly typical..i mean i always imagined what the inside of the truck cabin was..i mean its the guys 2nd home fer cryin out loud....anyway it had this "jhalar" hanging around the windscreen on the inside...the seats were comfy...well they werent patent leather if you ask...but thet were good nuff..any way that day they were breakin in a new driver so aside from the khalassi (assistant, navigator, apprentice and in general man friday fer the driver)the owner of teh truck and the driver along with me piled into the cabin..needless to say it was atight fit..hehe
the trip started with the khalassi pulling out mountain dew..and pffered a drink...i guess it was the proverbial champagne fer the trip..


it was about here that i started observing things around the cabin..i mean these guys were organised on the inside... he had a mobile charger cable comin out of a blower vent fer his cell phone..."nifty"...hehe

a loong line of tapes..along the windscreen...and the typical tape deck which plays the tapes just that much too fast so that the voices on teh tape are high pitched and tinny...
and i was treated to sings that i had never heard fer ages.."chudi maja na degi ..chandan maa na dega"
"saajan mera us paar hai" and other time-gone-by hits..that too in a ultra high pitch..killer shit
an experience to die fer..the authentic trip in the cab of a truck from gurgain to delhi..i saw the probs truckers have with cops..how carefully they choose their routes...and what it takes to be a trucker..staying away from home and family fer weeks at a time...
Truckers.Salute!

Innocence Lost

As I stand in the balcony and take of the amber colored whiskey and stare down at the partially melted ice cubes, earplugs in my ear , blaring pantera, to prevent me from thinking too much, I contemplate, (my purpose defeated) the purpose of my life.

I stare at the whiskey and feel it dancing on my tongue, playing hopscotch with my taste buds (no pun intended), I turn around and look into the room. It looks as if a hurricane has hit it!
Clothes all around, suitcase over flowing, box bed flung open!
I'm packing and I realize looking at myself.Ive finally grown up!
REVELATION!
I never wanted to.I didn't.
I mean i never wanted to grow up but life makes some difficult choices for us, and in he making of these choices we are seldom left with any of our own choices, wants needs or conditions.
We end up as nothing more but victims!

So now.Victim.I stand before my self.Ashamedly!
Head hanging low.Ive failed my self as i've taken on responsibilities, and now the ultimate one!
Going off to America for studies.
sure I contemplated this before but the pressure is too much!
The sheer number crunching involved, the payments to make, the multiply by 40 syndrome is but hard to avoid.
An i realize how much responsibility ive taken on!
I dont want it.Didnt ask for it.Im merely a victim ofthe choices i made or rather have to make.

I balance the glass on the wall, thrust my hands in my pocket, pull out my player and change to an iron maiden track and stare out over into the beyond, my childhood lost!
An adult, irreversibly forever!

Stationary motion

its been a tough year!
People dont tend to see that!
i agree i took a year off cuz i needed the break and i dont blame anyone

for that.
ive never asked anything of anyone unless i had no other option.
but people can be so beautifully callous!
So totally oblivious to what a person is going through.
they dont stop to think how one casual statement made from x's mouth will affect y.
its crazy but yes.

being alone and lonesome without a peer group will do that to you !
i survived !
no-thanks to a lot of ppl whom i wont mention, who went out of their way to make me extra miserable, by their lack of foresightedness. Where is the god i was promised, who would strike these mortal fools down with lightining?
But im not complaining!
Though i bet you are asking yourself by now "if he's not complaining what the hell IS he doing?"
to answer that..its jus a casual ranting and raving.
getting down to brass tacks...

this is about me goin off to the states.

yes! despite ppl telling me "you will get thru man!!"
and only me knowing the bleak future that was awaiting me the no of rejects i was getting from the colleges i smiled, put on a brave face and finally dove (cricket wala) to save the run...i made it

University of Florida!
hmm
sounds good, doesnt it?
Sun,Sand,Surf?
Holiday?? hmm perhaps!

ppl have been asking me "you must be excited nai?" ala sethi saab in khosla ka ghosla.
NOT ! its just another college and classes all over again.
Its scary.no one sees that. a new place. ALL new ppl, no friends.Its bloody scary, plus its like a newbie goin abroad cuz ive never been anywhere man! SHIT im so screwed.No one sees the fear .No one understands.
the world is bullshit!

they hear Florida and conjure pictures of Disneyland and beaches and what not...they imagine goin to the US is a holiday, some ppl come up with images of strip clubs and lap dances...whatever turns em on man!
PPl say bas ab to aish hai!
it'll be like studying in goa.

Who the fuck studies in goa man.I'm pissed!

but such is my destiny
Like the song "I stand Alone".I stood alone while i saw my friends take up work and move on with their lives , do well for themselves. I stood alone while i saw ppl take up their masters and are half thru with their courses.
And all the while i stood alone and watched them move on like a freight train rumbling past the platform with a lone spectator watching it pass by!

but now i get a chance to move on too!and like a phoenix from the ashes i will resurrect.
i can forge a new image.... a new personality if i want.
Who will i be?? will i be me or him? or the other guy. or will one of my famous split personalities take over...the studious one? the alcoholic? the control freak? Who knows? who cares?

The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that ill finally have a peer group and also its some thing i must do! its a calling! and even though i have no one to lean on i must trudge forward!

Screw the world! Im goin to Florida! - ala cartman

The Female of the Species....

I recently moved to delhi...i dont have much to do..
now..
i was walkin along the road trying to get a rickshaw to get from point A to point B..
Simple enough?
good.
I was walkin until i came to this knot of people jus standing around...you know the helpful types that stand around watching a man bleed to death while they do nothing??
the same type.
one difference..thankfully there was no accident.
but there was a commotion towards the center.i walked on.(call me callous if you will but with 20 ppl already there i figure they dont need me.)
so i find a rick and get on...
i spy two men sittin in the center of the circle..with bandages...and two women fighting...

They say.."The eyes have it".
You also know what??
It is said that a persons eyes never change from birth to death.that is the one feature of a person that never changes.even the size.
The eyes can convey a host of emotion.Love fear pain, anger....and many more.

now on to my story...

well the women had eyes bulging out at each other screaming at the tops of their voices...im not bluffing i got scared for a minute there....Their eyes were scary like hell...and the men were calm as ..as whatever it is you are supposed to be calm as.

so any way i avoid lookin at the womens eyes and go on...
Im curious as to what happened with the bandaged man...and why the women were fighting..
well im not nosey so i kept to myself..
But ask and god provides.
another rick pulls up and they start chatting...
about..the big fight.

Well this is the long and short of it.
It seems that the dudes were rickshaw drivers and had a tiff over parking spots. beta each other up.Bled.Stopped.sorted things out, called it quits and went home to chill.
This is the good part.
The wives apparently didnt think its over ...so...get this..they drag the husbands back and restart the fight....and that brings us to the dialog that "how dare your husband beat up my husband" and "your husband is married to a so-and-so"...and of course the afore mentioned eye bulging..all this while the husbands sit side by side sharing a 'beedi'...

whats the moral of the story you ask??
Well the guys fought and made up but the women still had a problem and picked a fight..(hope they sorted it out)
Moral of the story people is "the female of the species is deadlier than the male"
and of course "don't fuck around with guys who are married or have girlfriends unless you have your own back up"

Goatie Blues

Yesterday.
No.
This story started in may.
Last semester of engineering.After my final Project display and Viva, i started growing my goatee.I had no authority over me, no officials to impress with my docility, i grew my goatee.
I grew it until feburary.
9 months.it grew long and thick.
People asked me why i grew it.I replied "because i can" and it was the truth.
I had no one to tell me i couldn't, so i could grow it however i wanted.
Over time it infused itself with me, became not only a part of me but also of my soul and personality.
I set my self apart from the populace.I'm not saying it made me cool or it made me hip.Just that it made me "me".I had a personality.I was something.With my goatee i was something...without it i was just another guy.
for 9 months the bond wit my goatees was strong.... i grew to love it...and i never missed my chin.
I worked for 2 months in an organization and i was the only one with a a goatee....i was indeed different...a part from the crowd....a singular entity..I felt like i was a king among cattle.
With it i was someone..without it i was a nobody.
Up until yesterday..it was time..time to let go .....time to give it up...join th masses because it was time..
i miss it...and i miss that part of my personality that it took with it....
i wanna be somebody....

Folly

From her vantage point she saw both armies approaching. A cloud of dust on opposite sides of her horizon.approaching at great speed. The sun glinting of a random piece of armour or blade. They weren’t large armies so to speak. Maybe a thousand horses and fifty thousand foot soldiers. But that wasn’t the point. The point was that the armies were evenly matched.
It would be a bitter and brutal fight, she thought to herself. Something moved on the ground a hundred feet below her. She raised her wings, but as an after thought she settled down again. No today she would be after bigger game. She thought about the folly of men. How they thought that war was the solution. War she had heard didn’t determine who was right; it just determined who was left.
Whoever would be left today she knew who would really benefit from today’s battle.
The armies came closer to each other. it seemed to her that the stand off point would be directly below her.
It didn’t matter, it didn’t. Not to her she was just a bystander. And she would watch as the sands turned red and the air would be filled with the screams of those who willingly died in vain for the frivolous whims of their leaders who while they were fighting on the dunes were stuffing themselves and indulging themselves.
She looked upon the faces of one of the armies which got closer. Stolid faces, expressionless. Some showed unbridled fear. It was natural.
The need to stretch her wings arose. Bad timing she thought. Armies wouldn’t consider her appearance a good omen, but on the other hand they wouldn’t fire arrows at her before the battle, would they? It was relatively safe.
She spread her wings and dropped the sheer face of the cliff caught an updraft and glided higher that her perch. At the pinnacle of her glide she let out a high pitched call which made the armies look up to the cutting sound in the hot desert atmosphere.

The face off was in position, it would not be long now.
The call was given and the armies headed into each other.
It was long and brutal and she watched as the battle raged all day and the armies fought tooth and nail, finally it was over one of the two surrendered. Who? She didn’t know. More over she didn’t care.

The sun went down on the desert and the battle was over. The armies retreated taking their dead with them. But not all was possible. The carnage was left and it would feed her and her brood of baby vultures for month
And as the armies retreated she had settled down to a good dinner. After all what did she care if man sought to fight futile wars? All she cared was to feed her young with the carrion that would be in supply for the near future.

unfinished business...


in life sometimes you come across moments when you are no longer in control.
some times you no longer control situations. they control you..
it happened to me once...

i don’t smoke..
Ok ok i smoked recently for a month but quit..
this is before that

well i had taken drags from friends and the norm is that a ciggie is usually passed around
and shared.. no one hogs the cancer stick..
still i wanted to know how it would feel like to buy my own ciggie and smoke t all alone all
by my self...
well..
i went out and bought it...
i remember it was during exams time and prep leave was at an end i was at my wits end...
and i guess i wanted to know whether or not a ciggie actually calms your nerves..

now the main aim was to smoke this in complete privacy without sharing it...
impossible task when you live with friends and friends visit and over 70% of them smoke..
and who are usually too broke to buy one themselves and who are ever ready to help you finish
the cigarette

well i bought home the white slender devil of death and caressed its smooth white papery exterior...

i locked the door and settled back to light it...
just then some one knocked.. my roomie..
ok a smoker... i hid the cig in my pants...
opened the door...

he hung about 1/2 a hour before his girl called and he left to talk on the phone..
alone at last..
i locked the door again...
this time i managed to light the bitch...
i inhaled and let the fingers of smoke curl down my lungs held it there...
released it slowly (like i saw ppl doing)
some one knocked...
man this smoking alone thing was wrecking my nerves...
the ciggie didn’t calm them( if you were interested in knowing)
in fact i would now need some thing to calm me now..i went to the window of my room and kept
the cig on the sill behind the curtain...and kept the cig there(lit) hoping that i would send
off who ever it was..

but alas fate was against me smokin that day...

it was S_____ for want of mentioning his name...
any way..
now S______ was broke and ready to bum a ciggie from any where..
in fact he was notorious for picking up 50 paise coins and coming up with the money for a "chhoti goldflake"
you get my drift?
well..
he had come to study something from me...
alarm bells rang..
if he smelt the tobacco my cig would be history...
at the same time i feared the curtain would go up in flames...

i told him to sit in the chair and that i would be right back
i went out to the balcony and tried to reach the cig from out side...
i managed...

ever put out a cig after smokin half..?
it takes a bit of practice to detach the lit part for the rest of the body without wasting
tobacco...
well i managed...
i hid the amputated cig in the balcony..
and went back....to S___
who of course then went to the balcony claiming that he could smell "sutta'
well any way he didn’t find it...
i still have that half cig as a reminder of that day.
the day fate would not allow me to complete my cig.
the unfinished sutta

IM GONNA BLOW MY FUSE!!!

my life is so MOFO frustrating right now its not even funny. i mean.its not takling the direction i want it to take.worst part...i dont know what direction i want it to go.
im shattered.
im broken.
im not the man i thought i was.
im not the rebel i thought i was.
im not the conformist either.
im torn.between the two!

i believe im the rebel and i give a damn.
but my mofo conscience sees to it that im " Mr. nice guy".
no bullshit!
i been "Mr. nice guy" all my life..
now i wannabe "Mr. I dont give a flying fuck"
i mean.
this is my life. now as i spaek.as i type.plannning the future..but what about now?

if im gonna be remembered by what i do then what have i done?
conformed!

tcha!!!
i hate my life & im a split personailty!
except that some one is in control i dont know who!
im afraid its the nerd.
and the rebel is gonna BLOW !


the rebel has had all he can take.the nice guy may have a physcotic IMPLOSION!
Yes! No!
he cant decide!
will he?
wont he?
and why is'nt life as simple as I say...i say "life is simple dont complicate it"...
well well what have we here ?...

shades of grey!

a sigh of despair and the overwhelming of fruitlessness, the frustration that accompanies it.
all waves wash over himlike an endless wave!

imagine standing on a sand castle of dreams..and the waves of despair, practicality and sorrow lap up to the walls of the castle then up to your toes takling back with them your hopes, desires, joy.
all into a hopless sea of sorrow despair and of course your tears.
and it tears you apart to feel your pain the fruitlessness and the same old "YOU CAN LOOK BUT DON'T TOUCH"
and "SO NEAR YET SO FAR" & the "haath ko aaya muh na lagaa" effect!

would having her in my life made a shred of difference?
would my sorrow have been joy or mirth?
no one knows...i guess maybe unless in some parallel universe the REBEL lives on!

comfortably DEAD

thats me in the corner.
thats me in the spot light
losing my religon.
- R.E.M.

its been hurting and im sad.
something has changed.i have secrets.my own.i cant tell these to anyone.my friends and confidants. my relation ships have changed or have i?
i feel sick.there is so much i want to say , i'm confused.it makes me sick to my stomach.this is like puking but i cant find i place to puke.its a bad example but i need a friend.
i miss getting things off my chest.. it hurts so much that i jus wanted to curl up and die.
it sounds good.
almost comfortable thought.
life is cruel.
life is a pain.
it would bliss to be free of this burden of life and burn in hell....
the warm fires.
last night i cried i was so lonely and slept and dreamt , i was happy!
i had a life in this dream and i smiled and i was happy.
like i said life is cruel for i woke to the harsh reality!
shed a tear for me cause self pity is pathetic!

Dragon Death

hi its my first foray into poetry (well it started out as death metal lyrics) and i apologize for the vast amount of license i have taken..
it wanders between second and third person...or is that first person?
well any way i wrote it in class.... while my prof was droning on.. bloody boring
and this visual came up....
so here it is

Dragon Death

Rabid Flesh
& Fetid breath.
jaundiced eyes,
jaws of death.

feel the sweat
taste the fear
say good bye
to your dear.

see her torso
swallowed whole
chewed up flesh
& splintered bone.

See her remains
in a spat out heap.
along with the ring
you bade her, keep.

Sword in hand
And scabbard true
The beast he set
Out to slew.

The beast retreats
to its lair.
He pursued it,
for vengeance fair!

The battle rage'd
& blood was drawn
War ensued
'tween beast and man.

Tooth and nail
and elven mail.
Blade of steel
and dragon scale.

Night and day
ensued the fray.
Ardor flagged
the skies turned gray.

A chance was took
his armour shook
a wave of horror
upon his look.

His sword was throw
he felt himself rise.
In the dragons claws
was his life Pried.

His body thrown
among the rocks.
His life blood flow'd
matted his locks.

He lay there dying
& with his last breath
he called out to her
before his death

For her honour
a brave man died
to avenge her death
his dead bride.

web of lies

One fool mortal sits alone.. dreaming dreams of fancy. Weaving together memories and expectations together in a web in which the only prey is himself.one fool moral looks about himself and sees people happy. He does not reason but only looks more inwards and wonders whether or not is he happy. He looks to the others happiness and tells himself that he cares not.. but he does.. so some one had told him .. once.. long ago.. in another lifetime.. or so did it seem?

He wallows in his own pain.. lets his sorrow calm him down.. his thoughts and wishes.. blurred by the vision of the joy of others… he feels dejected rejected and alone in this over populated planet.. how is that possible he wonders.. and he is sad
Nothing like pain through the heart to feel sorry for ones self.
Some one once told him.. self pity is the worst enemy.. he didn’t listen.. he pities himself and feels sorry…
And the pain ravages on!

Tragedy Scavengers

every one seems to like a good tragedy.
the public is a bunch of sadistic pigs.. jus comin home i have to come over a railway over bridge..
its kind of, how you say a suicide magnet.. ppl like jumping off.. to think of it its kind of hard to imagine taht ust yesterday i stood there..where a man has just jumped off to his death...

my first clue was an ambulance jus standing near the tracks, bu6t since the driver was jus packing gutkha in his mouth i assumed he was jus parked there taking a break then i got on the overbridge and sw the sight..

there were bicycles parked by the dozens on either side of the overbridge with people looking down upon what i assume is a gory and bloody sight..
not only cycle.. but there were scooters bikes cars and even a tourist bus.. i kid you not...

people with sunglasses and helmets in shirts and shorts, either headed out or home, to office or work, in a hurry or at leisure had stopped to take a look at the dead body of some poor soul who was probably had enough of the burden on his delicate soul while a train had done the honours of cutting him in two.. depending...

people leaning over the wall as if they were at a tourist spot in the hills looking down upon a valley, smiling and taking pictures for their albums...
its a sick world we live in.perverted and sadistic...

are you part of this world?

shame upon you

we have lost it!
why wont some one stand up and admit it?
are we ashamed to say that as a race of men and women who were created equal among animals has evolved into.. into this?
this shithole we call a gene pool?
greed and hunger ....the call of money and power ..
thats all that rules the mind today.
look around you ..
capitalism everywhere..
hang your head in shame as a human.
I spit upon us!
every this is ruled by money.
there is no love no humanity no feelings no care
slaves to capitalism is what i believe it to be.
i call out TO YOU! break free...

my head

ive looked into the future
ive looked in to the past
my mind is fuckin broken
it wasn't built to last

now if ya gonna tell me
another time will come
im gonna scream back at ya
justice will be done

ive scorned you once already
its your return tht i dread
and if i run far enough
one day i will be dead

my courage fell to pieces
no you couldnt mend it
screwing up with time
yay i tried t'bend it

in the end i lose
to you or to time
when i looked back at ya
i wished that you'd be mine!

useless buggers

ok this is what pisses me off
you know i seen lazy ppl..and i seen maharashtrians..
they have their seista and all, and its all cool..i can appreciate that
but they are just lazy ppl...
now get this senario...
i walked into a mobile shop and this guy sittin there says "dukaan band hai" im like what the fuck? i jus want a scratch guard....its right under the counter..and hes like nai dukaan band hai

it totally pissed me off..


i went last night to score some pot.
now this is shady stuff done even more shadily..
you go deep inside some jhopar patti thing which smell of piss and garbage.
and this is all covert operations stuff..
so you go there ask for the stuff..he looks at you, asks for the money and goes into some shack, gives you your stuff, you dont even look at it, you put it in your pocket and run like a bat outta hell..

now yesterday was totally different.
this was a guy who came with good recos. any way i went to him at 7 and some one tells me that the main motherfucker aint there, so i go at 7.30.this mo fo tells me that hes outta stuff.
so he tells me to come back at 8 or 8.15. so i go at 8.15 and this main mofo aint tehre , of the 2 other dudes there one is already stoned and the other is gettin drunk on desi, they smell..(pew)so im standin in front of a stinky jhopar patti and shootin the shit (read backchodi) with my friend.... then abt 8.45 i get really pissed..
i mean this is taking laziness and inefficiency to its limits...
if you are doin shady stuff at least do it right..
so i leave without the stuff...
and i got so pissed that i couldnt even get stoned last night..
bitch!

one thing i cant stand is inefficiency ... at all cost.. its fuckin irritating...
so i may blaze tonit, or i may not,
the whole deal is i never go back to that bitch ass mofo, he's lost my binnis fo life.

signin out..
b back wit a story real soon.

cold dark and forgotten

she stands there.she stands in the dark.her face partially hidden in the shadows..
the only light that falls on her, comes diffused from two houses away.She is a pianist.but oh, not by profession.but by the heart instead.she stands in the shadows looking.staring. thinking.contemplating, yet undecisive.lost in thoughts only she can think.is she sad?i dont know.but this i do know.tht she is not happy. "whats the difference" you ask.

ask this not of me,not of her but to yourselves..ask that when you are not happy are you sad? or vice versa? it is but a state of mind .. but do lets get back to her..she still stands in the balcony.looking out into he dark alley.i mentioned she is not happy, so you may ask why isn't she happy...Ah !finally a question i can answer.she has lost her music. a music piece so beautiful that when she heard it in her head for the first time she wept with joy, but she had lost it, it had come to her along with a wave of emotions and was swept away just as fast.
it was lost and this is why she was not happy. she could also ave been sad. i wouldn't know.

she feels its loss.and the pain that loss brings also painfully gnaws at her insides.the pain of losing a piece of music that she was in danger of never hearing again.it was a catastrophic thought similar to saying that one would never see a sunset again.she tried, alas, in vain to piece back tattered and torn fragments of the music.trying to simulate the emotionms was a failure too.the inspiration was lost. it was already forgotten.

the black and cold around her does not simulate the emotions, the happy emotions , that allowed the gateway to that wonderful masterpiece she had heard and forgotten just as swiftly.

she still stands in the balcony, unmoving.a tear rolls down her cheek, telling the story, of how much the sound meant to her.music felt not heard.on the fabric of imagination but not on the fabric of existence.
lost forever to a world which may or may not have cared. but she did.she cared.and so she wept.and the tear rolled, continuing with a story of its own.

she tried to wipe it away but the teardrop had a destiny and a story of its own that it had to complete.and so it rolls off her cheek catches a gentle breeze , and going off into the world dissipating and breaking up just like the music whose story it told, leaving her behind in the balcony just as we met her.with her long hair blowin in the wind and gently tickling her long slender pianist fingers.

the pain in your heart (guy version)..sorry girls i dont know your point of view !

hey.does any one even read this?

has it ever happened thatyou see this beautiful face which takes your breath away..i mean literally.say across the street ...in a car coming the opposite way...or on the tv.its unattainable unreachable.And highly unlikely and close to impossible that you'll ever see that face again?
at that time have you got this feeling of pain in your chest..its like a stab at the heart.it says "you can look at her but dont touch.think but dont speak"

its one of those beautiful faces...you cant think about carnally or vulgarly.its just so pure.so fresh flawless with an aspect of unmatchable veracity.
its the face that would launch a thousand ships.not elaborate yet so beautiful.

and that pang of pain in your heart that you will never be able to attain her.
well you know what if you attained her you would be content with sitting her up on a table and kneeling before her chanting "we are not worthy"!
but thats it.its that instant when you set your eyes on her that you say ok.ill die happy now.ive seen the most beautiful woman on earth.
its about that instant when you feel pity at your condition..an over whelming wave of emotions washes over you like an alpha wave...and you get sucked under.to come up breathless...
(an apt analogy there and a good alliteration too )
same happens here...she goes off taking with her her charm beauty and elegance.the flawlessness of her...and you are left gasping for more...and of course your breath.
perhaps im not being clear in my expression of this .."beautiful woman"..it could be the girl next door...looking her best..a new girl in college..they give you a pang of guilt..i guess thats another name for the pain that i cant describe....a guilt that you will never be her equal...forever her inferior..and thus are unworthy.
you question your very being and purpose of living and at that moment life becomes insipid and tasteless..
Women dont realize it...well some do...what power they hold over men...their power of their beauty

men are like dogs...they need the atttention...and they are attracted towards anyone who will show them beauty and affection...
well women have that power over men....to control you play with you...

to leave you with that pang of pain when you see them...fall in love ...then out again..dashing your hopes upon rocks like the same alpha wave that sucked you under.then drawing back to the ocean they came from leaving behind a vacuum
a vacuum
vacuum!!!!
but women are not to blame.its not that they do it on purpose but on the other hand are rather oblivious to the fact that tehy cause this effect.
but none the less...they do.


Dedicated to all the women who gave me that pain ! thank you!

also to all the girls that have broken my heart...i appreciate it that they didnt break my will too!

Have you ever thought?no? i thought so.Most people avoid it!why?cause they cant face up to the lies we live.look at us.a pitiful bunch we are. the world was made equally for all of us.just because we advanced we assume right over this planet tipping the balance in our favour. but thats not what this is about. this is about the way of life. we spend our time in offices.in front of computers,in labs,building. working. slogging 40 hours a week.even more.why? to make money.to feed our families.take care of their needs.but. and this but is huge...have you ever thought if there was another way to live? there are two ways to live.the life of responsibilty ..no doubt which all of us have.we take on that responsibility bravely.taking our lives education and jobs seriously taking in a couple of holidays every few years...but was that the true intent of life? think! there is a beautiful planet out there.waiting for you!you live as you do and you will die not having seen the world you lived in..but only the world created around you. out there are wonders of nature.green grassy plains...snow capped mountains..wouldnt you rather walk barefoot across a grass field than attend cocktail parties wearing patent leather shoes?



an example i can give is .. there was a man who was in the record books for punctuality.he was never late for work and never missed a single day of wok in all his life and carrees.come hell or high water..literally...he used to go to work if it involved him carrying his bicycle on his head.my point is that he may have achieved what he set out to do but look at what all he lost out on.he lost out on the love of his family.lesser time spent with them.and he missed out on his beautiful country.

there are so many wonderful experiences out there that every minute you are not out there experiencing them you are missing out on natures wonders.if life is like an asortment of icecreams..dont be stuck with vanilla..try them all...

they say you a re born once and die once..but everytime you experience something new you relive your life.

GO!

this is some thing new.

Yesterday i was standing at this thela eating a bhutta.this little girl came up and wanted one too.she had this 5re coin in her hand.she just stood and watched,while the people in front for who came before her waited their turn just as she waited hers.she had these simple innocent clear eyes.like limpid pool.i looked at them and saw same thing im not accouctomed.purity.of mind and soul.and more importantly innocence.

each time the guy fanned the fire roasting the corn and sparks flew out, she recoiled a bit..and it got me thinking.such a small girl all alone on the road.full oftrusting eyes,and a trusting heart.knows nothing of this world.its liesand deception..and the games people play.

its no place for kids.people are callous and unfeelings. those eyes called out to me i was transfixed at the same time and was unable to move.it killed me jus sitting there to watch the fear in her eyes...of just a few sparks....i wondered how she would ever face the harsh realities of life...i jus wanted to sheild her from the pain of the world...but i couldnt.for you see, i had no right!

but i want you to ask of yourself one thing.one day when you have kids..and see the innocence in their eyes..would you be able to keep them out of your sight ,lest they see something harmful; or come to some harm them selves?how would you get them to face the harsh facts of life...expenses,shortages,taxes , pain and death and separation...

ask yourselves that when your kids cross the street alone it wont wrench your heart..

ask yourselves. that when your kids go for their 1st day at school it wont hut them in any way...and hurt you in turn!

ask your selves how you will see the pain in their eyes when their pet animal dies and you try to explain that it died and they will never see them again.


Kids.they are life.they show us the meaning of life.

i would love my kids sooo much that ive decided not to have any!

Life!

Life is about a lot of things.we live it as though we have a lot of time, but we dont realize that while we plan and think we are losing that time.we have people around us, and one thing we need from those people is their support and love.

has it ever happened that you were admidst a number of people but still felt lonely?ever felt that although there are so many people around you ,that you are essentially alone?

i have that feeling.that maybe i jus dont connect with people on their level.there lonliness comes in.seeping like the ooze from a leaky sewage pipe.and into your lives.you sordid lonely single serving measly existence.

you have had that feeling of lonliness?then welcom to my side.you need love!of course you have love , you say .but thats just what you say.ask your self do you feel?do you feel loved?

think about it.ever lay alone ion bed... jus wishing you had some one to hold..that some one would hold you..and things wouldbe sooo much better...that to wake up next to that special some one...

and im not talking about a one night stand lovin... its for keeps...even the most playboy type guys know what im talking about...on the surface of it they are lik 'fuck it dude...no steady .... no ball and chain = happiness..."wrongo!



ask your self and ill be back soon with more insights on mankinds measly existence on earth!