dreams and desires

Life is a fleeting moment in the span of eternity. A mere blink. We are born and then we die and in between is all we have. And we make a big deal out of it. Shouldn’t we? It’s all we have after all.

This moment in eternity, unexplained as to the how’s’ and why’s, exists. It’s ours and no one else’s. Yet we are afraid to live it. To experience it. We surround ourselves with priorities and goals to achieve. We value money over experience. Work over friends. Values over love. And we forget that we are here with just this blink of an eye. We forget to make the most of it. We forget to see the sun set everyday. To feel the earth with our bare hands. To think the thoughts our mind is capable of. To feel. To love. To live. To be free.

Don’t wake up one day with half your life behind you and wonder what happened. Why are so many of your dreams incomplete. Why are your desires left blowing in the wind?

Instead ask what’s stopping you from achieving that. You will find that nothing holds you back except for fear.

I’ve been struggling with my mortality and my life so far. My eyes have opened to the reality of this life I have so far lived. And I’m suddenly aware that it’s been a sham. A shadow on what could have been. And I have regrets. Oh so many regrets. As I wipe the condensation off my face I realise this is not the life I wanted. But I need the strength to change it. Courage.  To overcome the fear.

And yet I find that I’m alone. Very very alone. In a world that’s so so large.

Turbulence

You've probably noticed a pattern here. Hate. Anger. Rage. Expulsion of various other emotions. Including sorrow and loss.
I may be breaking a pattern here.
I'm a little lost. A little scared. Life is turbulent. And im lost at sea. Wave after wave of overwhelming thoughts crash upon me. Forcing me to drown in the feelings and emotions and aftermath of thoughts that form my mind.
And In my mind in trying to find my self and a life line. From within the turbulence I'm trying to find that right path that will help me overcome this maelstrom.

I'm like everyone else. Who doesn't like smooth sailing. To see the sunrise over a calm ocean while you sit on the deck and sip coffee. Or watch the orange suns glow light up the sky resembling a broken yolk with the calm slap slap of water on your watertight vessel? But it's important to find what will get you from the choppy waters to the calm ocean's. The right maps. The correct decisions..

You need to find yourself. In the turbulence of the mind you have to find what you want. What will give you peace. What feels is the right decision. For I believe the mind know what it wants. Destiny. Will. Doesn't matter. The mind knows. Will you ever be able to ask the right questions to get the right answer is what will separate us from drowning in the waters, or rising above.
What is the right question? That's the real question now. Isn't it?
I don't have the answer. Just the questions.

Dream on

She comes to me in my dreams

And runs her fingers through my hair.

She lets me drink deep from her eyes

And whispers in my ears

She tells to to have faith. And strength and courage.

She tells me to believe

But I'm weak. Without her I have nothing.

Faith courage strength fail without her by my side

Words mean nothing

Melody is lost

The bells are broken

And my mind is gone

She gazes sympathetically at me from under her perfectly shaped eyebrows

And tells me with a smile that there is nothing she can do.

I cry to her for help, but she just looks on

I feel her fingers brush upon my hand 

And then fade away

And as I reach out to her she backs away

Into the darkness

And I leap forward to find her fading away

And try as I may, I cannot keep up

And as she fades away

My world closes in upon me.

Turning my world and all that I am, to black.

Fucked.

its a strange world we live in.
 we have advanced beyond our wildest dreams, a race capable of just about anything and the possibilities endless. unfortunately thats in both positive and negative connotations.
good and bad, juxtaposed.
rapists and Samaritans in a single story.
 people abandoning and adopting children. one story.
fighting for war. fighting for peace. one story.

what the fuck is going on.

The flavour of this two sided coin ultimately comes out bitter.for evil overshadows good, no matter what the movies and books tell you. the cake is a lie.

and so im convinced, that mankind is slowly but surely circling the drain. moving in the whirlpool of our own lies, deceit, stupidity, vanity, pride, lust, greed and violence... we are circling the drain.

and you will not i said that mankind is circling the drain. to quote iron maiden, the evil that men do lives on and on. also. only the good die young. and so while the good is circling the drain evil will live on.

and nothing anyone can do will be worth shit.

its not a battle. not an uphill one. it was a battle  it was something that we lost before we even knew we were fighting it. and its too late now. we made our bed, and we must lie in it.

Mercury in the veins

Feel that metal surge through your veins
Like a liquid rush unlike anything else you have ever felt
Give in
Give in to the hate
The dark side
You know you want to, we all want to. Its the easy road.
The long dark road is the easy road,
It's the destination that's not quite so much fun but the punch is in the journey right?
And that journey is fucking awesome. Inspiring. Hateful. Greedy. And dark

So give in. Feel that bass
Let every guitar riff rub up roughly against your soul
Feel that bass pound on your heart
Those guttural vocals emanate from the dark pit of your soul
And scream
That loud primal urge to let loose a war cry and give in to that animal instinct that lies dormant within. Us all.

let It affect your mind. Let the vibe build into your brain and feel it move down to your gut and through to your limbs. And explode out your head.

It's what you want. it's what you need. To break the chains. To break free.
And live like you fucking mean it.

Reflections on a quiet evening

Happiness is a transitory state of mind. Euphoria is short lived. Life is a string of mildly disappointing events, sparsely interspersed with happiness.
It's in this pursuit that mankind often sets his goals. We equate people, products, events and even love with this short, effervescent and subliminal feeling we call happiness. It is in fact so short lived and rare, I don't think any one has been truly happy more than a handful of times in their complete lives.

We blur the line between these people products etc etc against happiness. We confuse our minds and souls and direct our lives like that.
We align our lives trying to achieve theses things, forgetting the important things in life.
We are so comfortable in our shoes that we many don't even know what it feels like to walk on freshly turned earth.

When was the last time you smiled, not because you had to, but simply because you couldn't stop.

When was the last time you felt that if your life came to an end right now, you really wouldn't mind?

We confuse joy, pride, achievements of goals as happiness.
Wake up and smell the coffee. It's not gonna work.
Don't be a fuckhead, break free from the chains and in the immortal words of pantera..WALK.

Hello, stupid.

suddenly i realize there not enough intellectual people for me to mingle with.
what the fuck just went down?
i mean seriously?
granted the caveman was a huge brute-oaf  with not enough intellect to beat the pulp out of a goddamned banana, but this is the 21st century?goddammit man. pull yourself together.

we live a world of infinite content. music, books, art, literature, philosophy, geography, literature. all fucking accessible at the touch of a button.. or a few click at the very least. fuck you.
learn something why wont you?

im sick of people walking around with naught but static between the ears. apparently its the latest fad to be a dumbass. people know the latest gossip about the hottest stars. but ask em how many planets in our solar system and which is the closest star to earth and "this is the dumbass you were looking for"

goddamn jackasses with not a shred of common sense to not stand in a fucking door way blocking the path for every one, and not enough spatial awareness to notice that an elephant walked into the room and took the seat next  to yours.

whatever the fuck happened to natural selection. like george carlin said, with all this emphasis o n safety, we are messing with the natural order of things and some people are just washing their feet in the genepool...

humanity is pretty much fucked if these people have offspring.

we're doomed.

Roll over..why dont you??

so here i sit hammering away at this plastic keyboard..in mild anger and resentment. its been a strange feeling. its a change. its a static life moving forward. its a life that lacks a backbone. incapable of standing up for itself.

we live in a society. fair enough. but why do people forget that the sentence "we live in society" has the phrase "we live". Then where the fuck does society get off telling us how to live our lives and passing on fucking dictates to us? fuck you society.
for the wayward, random, uninformed and rare readers of the blog I apologize. Its not possible to start at the beginning but ill try and give you a reference. Ive been brought up with a fairly scientific bent of mind. i would in part credit my parents and teacher, but in the end its my code of ethics and understanding of science that has me where i am. I question shit. I ask for reason and logic. Im not a rebel. well i am. but not when i see cause and effect. not when i see reason. not when i hear logic. I question tradition. i ask for reasons. i ask why. who. when. what. it makes people uncomfortable. they brand me an anarchist. a rebel. a pirate. you know what. doesn't bother me.

i would rather burn in your (potential) made up hell that you have been taught to believe in, than live this life (for which i am substantial living proof) following made up illogical shit with the reason .. "because it is written". a giant fuck you, not today. thank you kindly.

yet there are people who would blindly, in this day and age step up and tow the line they are handed, without questioning where they were towing the line to, or what it was that they were towing. they live their life by the seasons, watching them pass by. turning the pages of the calendar every month and then eventually putting their off spring into the same fucking rut they lived in. asking them in turn to tow the line. hence ladies and gentlemen. tradition was born. it requires no thinking, no understanding. and the biggest of all, no uncertainty. hence, no fear. fear is mans greatest fear. the words 'what if' are both full of possibility and dread. and it is the risk and uncertainties that man fears. and this fear leads him to close his eyes and tow the line handed to him.

no. knowledge. there is more to life than what we know. or what society knows. you have one life. live. learn. decide..for yourself. choose. question. live. dont follow. believe..in yourself. have courage. trust people..not too much. travel. read. love.. learn and respect, but dont blindly do..

fuck you i wont do what you tell me. fuck you i wont do what you tell me....
yeah... rage against the machine had it right..

So. its coming up on 10 months since i wrote anything here. and frankly, im here to set things straight.
interesting story on how this blog started out. I used to write about the turning points in my life, you know, the stuff i felt was kinda significant to the development of me .. as a person.. as opposed to you know.. a lamp? (stolen from rafiya)
anyways. i used to have this password protected word doc.. and one day some how i ended up with multiple copies and in merging them.. i lost about 8 months of significant shit.. since then i decided.. im moving to a blog.. and here i am.

A lot changed since my last blog post.
lets see.
dollar dreams shattered and i moved back to india.. well dollar dreams is kinda going overboard.. never did have dollar dreams.. :P
anyhoo
I got a job in delhi...
got my own place..
became independent.
ended a 3 year relationship and became single.. (I may go into details if i feel like it, but i dont right now.)
The friends scene has drastically changed tho..
It seems all those people who told me "wapas aaja.. khoob chill karenge" were nothing but ghosts, evaporating into misty nothingness as soon i came close enough to touch them. sigh. now the friends i keep in touch most are the ones back in the states, who tell me "wapas aaja, khoob chill karenge" ...paradoxical shit right there...
so here i am.. sindu recently told me.. "when you were here, you had a life but no job, now you have a job, but no life" truer words were never spoken.
so i stay late at work, cuz i get to see people, i know, i know.. paradoxical again, cuz im such a misanthrope, but hey. sue me for wanting what i want.
I enjoy my work, it feeds my soul, and cover the hole my friends left behind.
2 years ago if you would have asked me what a friday evening meant.. i would have said.. booze and friends.. and being outside.. 2 years i have never been inside the walls of my apartment on a friday evening..
now i find myself not wanting to leave the office, because i dont want to go back to the 4 walls of my empty apartment. sigh.
I want to point out that this time its been different from the friends who ditched me when i needed them ... these friends are simply oblivious.
I learn and i live.
empty.
dark.
workoholic.
alcoholic.
fuckhead.
forever alone.

through and through

Im through.
Im through with everyone and everything.
ive had it.
Ive done a lot, but im not here to lay claim to all ive done.neki kar aur kuen mein daal.(do good and forget about it) but i am tired now.
i cant help people anymore.
i cant help you feel good anymore.
i cant help you period
im tired. dont trouble me with your problems. dont unburden on me. i wont be able to take it. im a human. i have my own issues in life and i refuse to be your vent any more.
leave me be.
leave me be.

Happiness and the mind

I’m reading "bone" these days (which, btw I highly recommend to any comic book reader worth his salt).its an interesting story and comic. At the same time ive been contemplating humanity, as a race. As a single group of people. Ive come to the conclusion that, as a race as a certain type of people, we are to conniving, too self centered. Too selfish.
We think about ourselves. Our gains. Our losses. We don’t really care what’s happening in some one else's lives.we aren’t bothered. We aren’t even interested.
And look at us
There still isn’t any happiness. And I mean true happiness. I’m not talking about an ice cream cone fer gawds sake. I’m talking about the whole. The macro. And the overall.



Look at everybody. Struggling.fighting.running.to get somewhere. You never really get there. And what you do finally get...is a kind of a compromise in life. You never really get exactly what you want.
I mean some ppl do. Don’t get me wrong here.
Some people do get what they want.
But it’s never exactly what they always wanted.
If you know some one like this, walk up to them and ask them if it was exactly what they set out to achieve.
You will learn that there are sacrifices they made, which affect their overall happiness from the above mentioned achievement.

So coming back to bone.
There is this character called "smiley bone". And he’s always shown having a smile on his face. Grandma Ben describes him as "oh he has no brain". He’s happy throughout the comic.
He gets thrown out of his town. He’s happy. He’s trudging through the desert. He’s happy. He’s starving. He’s happy. He finds a new town. Ends up as bonded labor. He’s happy.
That got me thinking..
That if us humans (rumored to) have such well developed brains
We have achieved so much towards, science, technology, medicine. We put a man on the moon for god’s sake (at least in theory) and a machine on mars. But no happiness.
It comes in fleeting glances.
Think about it.
you see some one walking down the road smiling to himself, or laughing to him self and you go "Oh he’s lost his mind" or "crazy fool" or something to that effect.
But look at him. He’s happy. You are not.
He may not have shoes. He may be homeless. He may be hungry for 2 days. But he’s happy. Can you say the same about yourself?
Is that what it takes to be happy?
Losing your mind?
No bills no obligations. No family to remember. No worries.
It’s kind of sad. But only from a sane point of view.
Think of things from his viewpoint.
It’s not so bad.
But then again this is one mans opinion.
Have a nice day.

Downfall

People live through troubled times. troubled relationships. sibling, spouses, parents, relatives... even friends.
i see so many people with so much pain.
i see people living nuclear lives.in isolation.in suffering.and in pain.
i feel it too. from them and for them. and myself.
The best we can do is see them and learn from their mistakes, and their downfalls.
and then, feel better cuz we arent as fucked up as them... arent we??
compare your lives to others and try not be as screwed up as them. or thank your own lucky stars.
your call.

Existentialism

existentialism states that man exists and in that existence man defines himself and the world in his own subjectivity, and wanders between choice...

well said..
and choice is what has killed me.I cant help but feel what choices have defined me. ive had these thought before but i cant help them revisiting the cobwebs of my mind.

some how i have the feeling that a few choices here or a choice there might have turned my life better or worse. its tearing me apart and im going nuts. no one can help me. these pangs they come and go, and i feel i may be sick..i am. i feel perhaps it would have been better to have not made these choices and not have existed at all. Here is where nature plays a cruel trick on us. the inability to not make a choice. double negative?? i think not.
you now have a choice keep reading or leave.
betcha you're still reading.

I think there fore I am??
I choose therefore I am??

Choose! or better still dont..
Ive lost it and im gonna seek help..

RAPE!

I usually write about things that piss me off.
this was mildly amusing, but the sheer stupidity pissed me off.

this is how it went.

I was on the bus to campus the other day...and 4 women get on at the edge of the campus. In each of their hands was a plastic bag with the words
"RAPE. Talk About It. Prevent it".



Now this to me was a stupid idea....naturally it was evident that the 4 of them had just got back from a talk on rape...
Now I dont usually get into sensitive topics like this, but in this case I just have to point out the sheer stupidity in the validity of the concept of talking about rape to prevent it.

Now dont get me wrong, i hold women in the highest respect, and i do believe that any one who violates women deserves to have a nuke fired up his ass. But i also believe that an all women group talking about rape CANNOT prevent it....at least not until you get the men involved.
Unless the men attend a focus/support group or whatever it is teaching them how to "keep it in their pants" talking about rape cannot prevent it.
Also lets face facts. Talking will also not help prevent rape for the simple fact that rape by definition means that the women have no say in the whole "process". cuz if they did, then it wouldnt be rape.

so a word of advice to all women.
MACE. see image below.



My advice: Though all forms of mace are equally discouraging I recommend the middle one.

No nothing!

there are times when i look at my life and it makes me laugh out loud ...i mean seriously. while its not hilarious or worth turning into a sitcom or anything, its certainly something, that some one could look at and probably laugh.
i know its not possible to run from certain things that need to be faced, but there are times when you feel you need to change your life and this is not what you should be doing...or maybe you are sick of a certain rut you are in... so what do you do?? be proactive and make some changes in your life. and then you are happy for a while thinking ..yeah now im better off... life kicks you in the shins. and it will do that my friend, just you wait.

So anyways, you observe after a while that the changes you made arent exactly working out the way you expected them to....and guess what? your sorry ass is back to square one, and not only are you in a rut, but you are in the same bloody rut you were in before...now isnt that nice?

and as you lay on the floor holding your shins in your hands, life kicks you in the kidneys, kinda a sweet way of saying, dont try that again, or its gonna get worse.
And so slowly comes the realisation that come what may, your life is gonna be a certain way, and nothing you or anyone around you can do anything about it. and you are gonna have to deal with it...cause thats the way it is!

The shallow end

There is so god-damned-much to life.
why cant people see that?
simple existentialism? is that it?
are we now living day to day?
wtf? i mean i have met so many shallow individuals...its crazy...i was just thinking about all these people stupid mornic assholes that ive met in my life and i momentarily lost my sanity and my cool at the same friggin moment.
These are the people who have completely lost the plot. cant see the picture and have nothing in life that they are passionate about.
friends family memories...it doesn't mean shit.

These are the people who will ask you "how you doin"?" but wont pause to let you answer....and will ask you this irrespective of the fact that you are bleeding at the arteries. the reason? they dont care...blind and passive. shallow and uncaring. not callous mind you....just living day to day, hour to hour and minute to minute.
im sure we all know or have known at least one person like this...some one who just didnt care...i mean a carefree attitude is something, but this shit just gets on my nerves....
i dont know what i mean to say, but c'mon people show some spirit. let life mean something to you...a

Inner demons.

the voices were louder.
i turned up the volume.
i tried to drown out the voices.
it wasn't meant to be.i couldn't drown them out.
there were too many of them ….against only me….and they were too loud.
inner demons are always tough to drown out that way.
screams from my inner self, they were scrambling to get out.
screaming at me for attention, like the beggar on the street trying to catch your eye. once you were locked in, you were caught, there is no way out, no turning back. it was final.

i dont know what they were screaming about from the depths of my conscience, but what im sure about is that i didnt want to know…..
im probably scared of what they would have to say to me.
Probably something pointed out to me that ive swept under my mental rug.
im running from these voices but it feel as if im on a treadmill....i can run all i wanna but im no further from where i started.

the voices are closer and louder and tendrils of the screams lick at my ankles.snaring me tripping me.trying to pull me in.
salvation.music.help.
i change the track, turn the volume higher and pray.
salvation.music.louder.help.
help.

Toothpaste

I've been watching a very little television since ive been here and so far im not impressed.I mean let the quality of ekta kapoors smut alone and we have some pretty seriously shitty quality of advertising...and whats been getting my goat on a super pissing off rating is toothpaste.
Yes toothpaste.
Ok first of all....am i using it for one friggin tooth?
Tooth paste! Tooth paste my ass!
Seriously.
One fine day i was standing there brushing my teeth and reading the toothpaste tube and you wont believe the shit on the toothpaste.
for best results squeeze at bottom and flatten as you go up.
now for a perv like me, thats absolutely hilarious, but even more important.... for best results..wouldnt it be better if we applied teh correct amt of teethpaste and brushed our teeth for a full 5 minutes in a carefully regimented drill?

another funny this is my teethpaste claims to be '100% Vegetarian'.
who the hell wants a vegetarian toothpaste?
I mean I want the peppermint and calcium and stuff for fresh breath.... and all the chemicals that are gonna make my teeth shine like in the ads...i dont want a tooth paste made out of bhindi and baingan and onions....jeez that would be the day, brushing my teeth with onion flavoured toothapste with garilc and ginger for that room clearing smile, I'd like to see one of them ads...how bout you?

now coming to the advertising i was talking about ....i saw this ad where this guy was sitting in a airplane biting into a chip and his tooth hurts. Suddenly a news reporter woman with an angry stern face shows up from the fore of the plane and offers him a toothpaste ..'now with salt'...
i was like 'wtf'
first it was micro granules which would rub against your teeth and fight plaque and tarter and all that BS and I was like 'whats my tooth brush good for then?'
and now vegetarian toothpaste with salt???
i mean i would rather brush my teeth with a salted carrot stick, what do i need your friggin toothpaste for?
'jaago grahac jaago'
toothpaste my ass!

A minions tail

He sighed. He kept on sweeping, he was bound to it.

The evening light filtered through the broken wall where the Purple-Knight-of-Valor had broken in with his horse the Brown-Steed-of-Confusion, and had come in through the wall instead of the open archway just a foot to the left.
The light also filtered thru the arch way.

The drawbridge across the moat was down (mostly damaged but still intact) since the battle mostly due to fleeing minions and a cowardly dragon. The minion kept on sweeping, as he tried to pull together his frazzled nerves and recollect the events of the day.

He had got up at the crack of 7:30 in his regulation ditch in the basement, it was nice and damp there and he had gotten some well deserved rest during the night. He had begun to sweep the castle where he worked for the Dark-Lord-of-Oversight and had been sweeping for but a few hours when the Purple-Knight-of-Valor and his Brown-Steed-of-Confusion had burst through the wall (inches from where he had been sweeping an hour ago) and had demanded that the Dark-Lord-of-Oversight hand over the Mauve-Princess-of-Tranquility (she wasn't really mauve), and when the Dark-Lord-of-Oversight refused the Purple-Knight-of-Valor had proceeded to lay the place to waste (during which the drawbridge opened and was partially destroyed. The minion also suffered a broken toe as a result of being run over by the above mentioned cowardly dragon).

The Purple-Knight-of-Valor had kept on laying the place to waste until he realized that the Dark-Lord-of-Oversight had forgotten to lock the cell in which the Mauve-Princess-of-Tranquility was kept whereupon he stopped laying the castle to waste and liberated the princess. The two of them had gotten on the Brown-Steed-of-Confusion and had ridden off into the afternoon sun.

The Dark-Lord-of-Oversight had been killed in one of the fires on the second floor of the castle where he had over looked putting in fire extinguishers. Oh well karma was a bitch thought the minion to itself and kept on sweeping.

At this point you would probably ask if the Dark-Lord-of-Oversight was dead and the castle was in ruins why was the minion still sweeping and had not fled like his friends. Good point!

The reason the minion had not fled was this.
Due to a minor clerical error made in the 2nd dungeon from the left wing of the castle the minion was bound not to the master but to the castle and was bound to his sweeping duties for a lifetime.

2 days of sweeping later

The Maroonish-Blue-Knight-of-Indecision rode by the semi ruined castle on a Colorless-Steed-of-No fame, and wondered if perhaps there were any princesses that needed saving. His resume was pretty sketchy and dry and he needed something good like saving princesses up there to help land a cushy job. And with this in mind he sauntered over to the castle.

Shouting to the minion through the broken part of the wall he said "Oye minion, any princesses left to save in this dilapidated dump?"

The minion who was still sweeping and who couldn’t be bothered looked up with one eyebrow raised and replied "Does it look like any princesses need saving?"

"You’re right" replied the Maroonish-Blue-Knight-of-Indecision scratching his head and aching to get at that itch in his armpit which he had been trying to get to since mid-morning. It had been driving him crazy.

"It doesn’t look like any princesses would be living in this dump. Any dragons that needed slaying perhaps?" he replied licking his lips and trying to reach for his armpit under his breastplate rather unsuccessfully (dragon slaying was right up there with rescuing princesses).

"Nope!" came the cheerless reply from the minion.
Dejected, crest fallen and rather itchy all over by now the Maroonish-Blue-Knight-of-Indecision turned to mount his steed and ride away when the minion thought of something. A loop hole. He looked around and saw the half-broken-down-heap-of-a-castle around him and yelled for the Maroonish-Blue-Knight-of-Indecision to come back.

The minions spell had indicated a lifetime binding to the castle, but didn’t mention whose life time and the minion planned to exploit this weakness to gain his freedom, but first he had to sell the idea to the knight.

The knight was not convinced that knocking down a half destroyed and burnt castle would qualify for any thing greater than say kissing a princess to bring her to life and refused citing it just wasn’t worth the effort.

The minion sighed. He kept on sweeping, he was bound to it.

Read the Signs!

Some times funny shit happens in the most common place unfunny situations..most of these times its very subtle and hardly noticeable.
I have this habit of observing people and stuff. The small details? Get it. Ill probably notice that one of the screws on the seat panel is screwed in crooked.You get the idea! so anyway, i catch stuff you probably missed.
The other day i was waiting for the bus and there were a whole bunch of people with me.Nothing out of the ordinary.Happens every day.

The bus comes we get on.My stop comes and I get off.
Now along with me a few other people get off too.
Among these people are 1 Indian girl and 1 Indian guy (the story is set here in Gainesville).Now i had randomly noticed them from before.They had gotten on the bus right behind each other but had chosen separate seats.they had gotten off thru separate bus doors, like plausible strangers.
But as soon as they got of the bus the girl caught up with the guy.and was walking side by side with him.I was trying to guess.
1st i thought strangers! (happening to walk in the same direction)
2nd i thought ok friends!! shes walking with him!
I was watching her steps.she had to make an effort to keep up with him.but she kept a low profile nonchalant conversation with him as if all were normal.
A few seconds into her trot she leaned toward the guy, their shoulders touching.
the dude leaned imperceptibly and unconsciously away.she pulled back (probably in disappointment) and kept matching his pace their arms slack by their side.


Thats when i noticed her arm muscle clench and unclench. the palm of her hand open toward him.SHE WANTED HIM TO HOLD HER HAND!!!!
that so fuckin cracked me up.This poor sap had ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY NO IDEA that the girl liked him.....!!!
Her arm unconsciously looked around for his as he reached for something in his jacket pocket.
her arm shook in frustration and she pulled it back up and crossed her arms in front of her.

In retrospect i don't believe even the girl knew she wanted him to hold her hand.
the whole scene must have lasted about 5 seconds.
Good day!

Warning : Explicit RAGE

i wanted to kill her!
oh my god!
these people piss me off.
she was standing right next to me, talking crap.
she must've been a good ventroliquist cuz it looked like she was talking thru her mouth but im soooo sure she was talking out her ass!
oh my god!
people are such jackasses.
sometimes i wonder if there was a god, why he doesnt just strike them down with a bolt of lightning or something!
like George Carlin puts it "the kid who swallows too many marbles doesnt grow up to have any kids of his own"
darwin proved evolution.Why are dumb people still around.
AAAAAAAAAGH!!!!

i mean look if you dont know what happening is it that necessary to open your mouth and put your foot in it?
i would like to say people at this point in stead of "her" cuz more people will fall in the "stupid dumb fuck" category.



u probably dont know what im talkin about, completely clueless as to what it was that let out this outburst (boy i wanted to choke her).
well to cut a long story short she believed that she knew all that there was to know and all knowledge of the world ended where hers ended, and that nothing existed beyond that.
i do mean "there are people out there who know more than you, you stupid bitch"
give people some credit for their work.
fer cryng out loud, there oughta be a law against suck people.

ok the story is like this.

the story goes some thing like this.
today there was a robot competition happenin in my dept.
and one particular guy had built a bartending robot which worked like this.
you have a card (playing card size)which you swipe over the robots optical scanner.
connected to the robo was an itouch which would identify the image and followed a pattern of fixed paths depending on the image to a rack of assorted softdrinks. pick up the softdrink requested, come back and deposit it at the particular counter.
Madam saunters over
compares teh whole fucking robot and its capabilities as "arre ye toh line follower hai" (its just a line follower).(a project where the robot follows a painted line and does nothing else)[which happened to be just a part of teh whole project"
it boiled my blood.

A maze ing

some times you just stand there as an observer and the world around you changes...some how kinda like looking through a chain link fence.....kinda like an outta this world optical illusion.
i walked to the bus stop this mornin and as i stood there with "the memory remains" blaring into my skull i briefly saw this world for what it was.
a flash of reality in this farce of a dreamworld we live in.
i saw that we built machines..incredibly accurate in what they are designed for...i mean did you ever stop to think how difficult it really is to make a vehicle go straight?
i mean 101 things can go wrong from a lopsided wheel to a slightly bent steering column....right down to ball bearings...but we manage it...

and then....we make the rules !!

who gave us the right to govern ourselves i ask you?
do you really think humans are that fuckin superior???
first we make a road...
then we make those nice short white lines on the road to make lanes and say pick one and drive...
ever seen a lab experiment with rats navigating a maze???
thats the reality i saw the world to be...
going where we are supposed to like rats.....
trapped in our nice white and yellow lines...
markings telling us to go slow and not to take a u turn...



you're trapped like a RAT!!!

my evil brain

its beautiful if you can understand how the body works.
its even more fascinating to see the brain in action.
especially when it wants release.
it can go to great lengths to bring up Gigs of videos and audios and stills in your brain to help block certain rather painful thoughts.
Im going through a rough patch here myself and ive been noticing that my brain isint workin with me....in fact i feel its working against me.
im tired of life.very tired.the fact that there is so much to do and see and feel just doesnt interest me any more...it doesnt.
its not that i wanna run from life, no thats not it..some how i dont see how many more decades of getting up in the morning and working out just another day, just to end it and wake up the following morning.
anyway back to my brain, any normal brain wud now coax the body with some adrenalin and some nice memories intermingled with a dash of hope and a sprinkings of dreams right about now.

but no! not my brain!! ....Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious up there has different ideas..it keeps me where i am , no blocking of the thoughts nothing.
now dont get me wrong its not what I want for myself...in fact i wud love to get outta this blue funk but what-to-do what-to-do...eh whaddajerk

of all the damn brains in the world i had to get the most sarcastic one

I cant watch South Park any more

There came a time in my past when sud had brought a few dvds with southpark on them to our place.C-14. Me das and rallan started off with season one and took it slow..watchin a couple of episodes a day and things like that. we went up to season 9 and had great time watching the stuff..

recently a friend of mine was watching south park..and one glimpse of the screen and 5 seconds of audio sent a wave of ..well not exactly nostalgia but definitely memory lane...all the smells and sights of the summer in akurdi when for lack of anything to do we watched southpark.esp my room mate rallan who went mediviial on it.
i remember he ran the southpark marathon..queuing up episode after episode after episode...as we wrote journals the south park theme would play on and on every 22 minutes....and i realised that i didnt want to sully that experience by changing the memories of southpark by watching them here and now...for i now know what when ever i hear the southpark theme, i will always remember, see and smell that idle summer in akurdi.

Gurgaon truckin

its been a while since i wrote so have a backlog of stuff i wanna write..
ill go in chronological order okay??..(like any one gives a shit!!)

any way
it was back in delhi..
i had almost geared up to leave fer the states..only a few loose ends needed to be tied up before leaving..One was sending my bike home from delhi...
not so difficult unless you imagine the logistics involved..
any way..dad arranged fer a trucker to haul my bike home in his truck..all fine and dandy so far..all i had was to go to gurgaon and drop off the bike at the truckers office..
all good..i drove the bike over and then had the task of makin it back to my place in delhi...the point was how?
i was deliberating the point on how best to make it back ...when the trucker offered me a ride...
a lil unsure at first..i accepted...
i got into the truck...and get this
it was amazingly typical..i mean i always imagined what the inside of the truck cabin was..i mean its the guys 2nd home fer cryin out loud....anyway it had this "jhalar" hanging around the windscreen on the inside...the seats were comfy...well they werent patent leather if you ask...but thet were good nuff..any way that day they were breakin in a new driver so aside from the khalassi (assistant, navigator, apprentice and in general man friday fer the driver)the owner of teh truck and the driver along with me piled into the cabin..needless to say it was atight fit..hehe
the trip started with the khalassi pulling out mountain dew..and pffered a drink...i guess it was the proverbial champagne fer the trip..


it was about here that i started observing things around the cabin..i mean these guys were organised on the inside... he had a mobile charger cable comin out of a blower vent fer his cell phone..."nifty"...hehe

a loong line of tapes..along the windscreen...and the typical tape deck which plays the tapes just that much too fast so that the voices on teh tape are high pitched and tinny...
and i was treated to sings that i had never heard fer ages.."chudi maja na degi ..chandan maa na dega"
"saajan mera us paar hai" and other time-gone-by hits..that too in a ultra high pitch..killer shit
an experience to die fer..the authentic trip in the cab of a truck from gurgain to delhi..i saw the probs truckers have with cops..how carefully they choose their routes...and what it takes to be a trucker..staying away from home and family fer weeks at a time...
Truckers.Salute!

Innocence Lost

As I stand in the balcony and take of the amber colored whiskey and stare down at the partially melted ice cubes, earplugs in my ear , blaring pantera, to prevent me from thinking too much, I contemplate, (my purpose defeated) the purpose of my life.

I stare at the whiskey and feel it dancing on my tongue, playing hopscotch with my taste buds (no pun intended), I turn around and look into the room. It looks as if a hurricane has hit it!
Clothes all around, suitcase over flowing, box bed flung open!
I'm packing and I realize looking at myself.Ive finally grown up!
REVELATION!
I never wanted to.I didn't.
I mean i never wanted to grow up but life makes some difficult choices for us, and in he making of these choices we are seldom left with any of our own choices, wants needs or conditions.
We end up as nothing more but victims!

So now.Victim.I stand before my self.Ashamedly!
Head hanging low.Ive failed my self as i've taken on responsibilities, and now the ultimate one!
Going off to America for studies.
sure I contemplated this before but the pressure is too much!
The sheer number crunching involved, the payments to make, the multiply by 40 syndrome is but hard to avoid.
An i realize how much responsibility ive taken on!
I dont want it.Didnt ask for it.Im merely a victim ofthe choices i made or rather have to make.

I balance the glass on the wall, thrust my hands in my pocket, pull out my player and change to an iron maiden track and stare out over into the beyond, my childhood lost!
An adult, irreversibly forever!

Stationary motion

its been a tough year!
People dont tend to see that!
i agree i took a year off cuz i needed the break and i dont blame anyone

for that.
ive never asked anything of anyone unless i had no other option.
but people can be so beautifully callous!
So totally oblivious to what a person is going through.
they dont stop to think how one casual statement made from x's mouth will affect y.
its crazy but yes.

being alone and lonesome without a peer group will do that to you !
i survived !
no-thanks to a lot of ppl whom i wont mention, who went out of their way to make me extra miserable, by their lack of foresightedness. Where is the god i was promised, who would strike these mortal fools down with lightining?
But im not complaining!
Though i bet you are asking yourself by now "if he's not complaining what the hell IS he doing?"
to answer that..its jus a casual ranting and raving.
getting down to brass tacks...

this is about me goin off to the states.

yes! despite ppl telling me "you will get thru man!!"
and only me knowing the bleak future that was awaiting me the no of rejects i was getting from the colleges i smiled, put on a brave face and finally dove (cricket wala) to save the run...i made it

University of Florida!
hmm
sounds good, doesnt it?
Sun,Sand,Surf?
Holiday?? hmm perhaps!

ppl have been asking me "you must be excited nai?" ala sethi saab in khosla ka ghosla.
NOT ! its just another college and classes all over again.
Its scary.no one sees that. a new place. ALL new ppl, no friends.Its bloody scary, plus its like a newbie goin abroad cuz ive never been anywhere man! SHIT im so screwed.No one sees the fear .No one understands.
the world is bullshit!

they hear Florida and conjure pictures of Disneyland and beaches and what not...they imagine goin to the US is a holiday, some ppl come up with images of strip clubs and lap dances...whatever turns em on man!
PPl say bas ab to aish hai!
it'll be like studying in goa.

Who the fuck studies in goa man.I'm pissed!

but such is my destiny
Like the song "I stand Alone".I stood alone while i saw my friends take up work and move on with their lives , do well for themselves. I stood alone while i saw ppl take up their masters and are half thru with their courses.
And all the while i stood alone and watched them move on like a freight train rumbling past the platform with a lone spectator watching it pass by!

but now i get a chance to move on too!and like a phoenix from the ashes i will resurrect.
i can forge a new image.... a new personality if i want.
Who will i be?? will i be me or him? or the other guy. or will one of my famous split personalities take over...the studious one? the alcoholic? the control freak? Who knows? who cares?

The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that ill finally have a peer group and also its some thing i must do! its a calling! and even though i have no one to lean on i must trudge forward!

Screw the world! Im goin to Florida! - ala cartman

The Female of the Species....

I recently moved to delhi...i dont have much to do..
now..
i was walkin along the road trying to get a rickshaw to get from point A to point B..
Simple enough?
good.
I was walkin until i came to this knot of people jus standing around...you know the helpful types that stand around watching a man bleed to death while they do nothing??
the same type.
one difference..thankfully there was no accident.
but there was a commotion towards the center.i walked on.(call me callous if you will but with 20 ppl already there i figure they dont need me.)
so i find a rick and get on...
i spy two men sittin in the center of the circle..with bandages...and two women fighting...

They say.."The eyes have it".
You also know what??
It is said that a persons eyes never change from birth to death.that is the one feature of a person that never changes.even the size.
The eyes can convey a host of emotion.Love fear pain, anger....and many more.

now on to my story...

well the women had eyes bulging out at each other screaming at the tops of their voices...im not bluffing i got scared for a minute there....Their eyes were scary like hell...and the men were calm as ..as whatever it is you are supposed to be calm as.

so any way i avoid lookin at the womens eyes and go on...
Im curious as to what happened with the bandaged man...and why the women were fighting..
well im not nosey so i kept to myself..
But ask and god provides.
another rick pulls up and they start chatting...
about..the big fight.

Well this is the long and short of it.
It seems that the dudes were rickshaw drivers and had a tiff over parking spots. beta each other up.Bled.Stopped.sorted things out, called it quits and went home to chill.
This is the good part.
The wives apparently didnt think its over ...so...get this..they drag the husbands back and restart the fight....and that brings us to the dialog that "how dare your husband beat up my husband" and "your husband is married to a so-and-so"...and of course the afore mentioned eye bulging..all this while the husbands sit side by side sharing a 'beedi'...

whats the moral of the story you ask??
Well the guys fought and made up but the women still had a problem and picked a fight..(hope they sorted it out)
Moral of the story people is "the female of the species is deadlier than the male"
and of course "don't fuck around with guys who are married or have girlfriends unless you have your own back up"

Goatie Blues

Yesterday.
No.
This story started in may.
Last semester of engineering.After my final Project display and Viva, i started growing my goatee.I had no authority over me, no officials to impress with my docility, i grew my goatee.
I grew it until feburary.
9 months.it grew long and thick.
People asked me why i grew it.I replied "because i can" and it was the truth.
I had no one to tell me i couldn't, so i could grow it however i wanted.
Over time it infused itself with me, became not only a part of me but also of my soul and personality.
I set my self apart from the populace.I'm not saying it made me cool or it made me hip.Just that it made me "me".I had a personality.I was something.With my goatee i was something...without it i was just another guy.
for 9 months the bond wit my goatees was strong.... i grew to love it...and i never missed my chin.
I worked for 2 months in an organization and i was the only one with a a goatee....i was indeed different...a part from the crowd....a singular entity..I felt like i was a king among cattle.
With it i was someone..without it i was a nobody.
Up until yesterday..it was time..time to let go .....time to give it up...join th masses because it was time..
i miss it...and i miss that part of my personality that it took with it....
i wanna be somebody....

Folly

From her vantage point she saw both armies approaching. A cloud of dust on opposite sides of her horizon.approaching at great speed. The sun glinting of a random piece of armour or blade. They weren’t large armies so to speak. Maybe a thousand horses and fifty thousand foot soldiers. But that wasn’t the point. The point was that the armies were evenly matched.
It would be a bitter and brutal fight, she thought to herself. Something moved on the ground a hundred feet below her. She raised her wings, but as an after thought she settled down again. No today she would be after bigger game. She thought about the folly of men. How they thought that war was the solution. War she had heard didn’t determine who was right; it just determined who was left.
Whoever would be left today she knew who would really benefit from today’s battle.
The armies came closer to each other. it seemed to her that the stand off point would be directly below her.
It didn’t matter, it didn’t. Not to her she was just a bystander. And she would watch as the sands turned red and the air would be filled with the screams of those who willingly died in vain for the frivolous whims of their leaders who while they were fighting on the dunes were stuffing themselves and indulging themselves.
She looked upon the faces of one of the armies which got closer. Stolid faces, expressionless. Some showed unbridled fear. It was natural.
The need to stretch her wings arose. Bad timing she thought. Armies wouldn’t consider her appearance a good omen, but on the other hand they wouldn’t fire arrows at her before the battle, would they? It was relatively safe.
She spread her wings and dropped the sheer face of the cliff caught an updraft and glided higher that her perch. At the pinnacle of her glide she let out a high pitched call which made the armies look up to the cutting sound in the hot desert atmosphere.

The face off was in position, it would not be long now.
The call was given and the armies headed into each other.
It was long and brutal and she watched as the battle raged all day and the armies fought tooth and nail, finally it was over one of the two surrendered. Who? She didn’t know. More over she didn’t care.

The sun went down on the desert and the battle was over. The armies retreated taking their dead with them. But not all was possible. The carnage was left and it would feed her and her brood of baby vultures for month
And as the armies retreated she had settled down to a good dinner. After all what did she care if man sought to fight futile wars? All she cared was to feed her young with the carrion that would be in supply for the near future.

unfinished business...


in life sometimes you come across moments when you are no longer in control.
some times you no longer control situations. they control you..
it happened to me once...

i don’t smoke..
Ok ok i smoked recently for a month but quit..
this is before that

well i had taken drags from friends and the norm is that a ciggie is usually passed around
and shared.. no one hogs the cancer stick..
still i wanted to know how it would feel like to buy my own ciggie and smoke t all alone all
by my self...
well..
i went out and bought it...
i remember it was during exams time and prep leave was at an end i was at my wits end...
and i guess i wanted to know whether or not a ciggie actually calms your nerves..

now the main aim was to smoke this in complete privacy without sharing it...
impossible task when you live with friends and friends visit and over 70% of them smoke..
and who are usually too broke to buy one themselves and who are ever ready to help you finish
the cigarette

well i bought home the white slender devil of death and caressed its smooth white papery exterior...

i locked the door and settled back to light it...
just then some one knocked.. my roomie..
ok a smoker... i hid the cig in my pants...
opened the door...

he hung about 1/2 a hour before his girl called and he left to talk on the phone..
alone at last..
i locked the door again...
this time i managed to light the bitch...
i inhaled and let the fingers of smoke curl down my lungs held it there...
released it slowly (like i saw ppl doing)
some one knocked...
man this smoking alone thing was wrecking my nerves...
the ciggie didn’t calm them( if you were interested in knowing)
in fact i would now need some thing to calm me now..i went to the window of my room and kept
the cig on the sill behind the curtain...and kept the cig there(lit) hoping that i would send
off who ever it was..

but alas fate was against me smokin that day...

it was S_____ for want of mentioning his name...
any way..
now S______ was broke and ready to bum a ciggie from any where..
in fact he was notorious for picking up 50 paise coins and coming up with the money for a "chhoti goldflake"
you get my drift?
well..
he had come to study something from me...
alarm bells rang..
if he smelt the tobacco my cig would be history...
at the same time i feared the curtain would go up in flames...

i told him to sit in the chair and that i would be right back
i went out to the balcony and tried to reach the cig from out side...
i managed...

ever put out a cig after smokin half..?
it takes a bit of practice to detach the lit part for the rest of the body without wasting
tobacco...
well i managed...
i hid the amputated cig in the balcony..
and went back....to S___
who of course then went to the balcony claiming that he could smell "sutta'
well any way he didn’t find it...
i still have that half cig as a reminder of that day.
the day fate would not allow me to complete my cig.
the unfinished sutta

IM GONNA BLOW MY FUSE!!!

my life is so MOFO frustrating right now its not even funny. i mean.its not takling the direction i want it to take.worst part...i dont know what direction i want it to go.
im shattered.
im broken.
im not the man i thought i was.
im not the rebel i thought i was.
im not the conformist either.
im torn.between the two!

i believe im the rebel and i give a damn.
but my mofo conscience sees to it that im " Mr. nice guy".
no bullshit!
i been "Mr. nice guy" all my life..
now i wannabe "Mr. I dont give a flying fuck"
i mean.
this is my life. now as i spaek.as i type.plannning the future..but what about now?

if im gonna be remembered by what i do then what have i done?
conformed!

tcha!!!
i hate my life & im a split personailty!
except that some one is in control i dont know who!
im afraid its the nerd.
and the rebel is gonna BLOW !


the rebel has had all he can take.the nice guy may have a physcotic IMPLOSION!
Yes! No!
he cant decide!
will he?
wont he?
and why is'nt life as simple as I say...i say "life is simple dont complicate it"...
well well what have we here ?...

shades of grey!

a sigh of despair and the overwhelming of fruitlessness, the frustration that accompanies it.
all waves wash over himlike an endless wave!

imagine standing on a sand castle of dreams..and the waves of despair, practicality and sorrow lap up to the walls of the castle then up to your toes takling back with them your hopes, desires, joy.
all into a hopless sea of sorrow despair and of course your tears.
and it tears you apart to feel your pain the fruitlessness and the same old "YOU CAN LOOK BUT DON'T TOUCH"
and "SO NEAR YET SO FAR" & the "haath ko aaya muh na lagaa" effect!

would having her in my life made a shred of difference?
would my sorrow have been joy or mirth?
no one knows...i guess maybe unless in some parallel universe the REBEL lives on!

comfortably DEAD

thats me in the corner.
thats me in the spot light
losing my religon.
- R.E.M.

its been hurting and im sad.
something has changed.i have secrets.my own.i cant tell these to anyone.my friends and confidants. my relation ships have changed or have i?
i feel sick.there is so much i want to say , i'm confused.it makes me sick to my stomach.this is like puking but i cant find i place to puke.its a bad example but i need a friend.
i miss getting things off my chest.. it hurts so much that i jus wanted to curl up and die.
it sounds good.
almost comfortable thought.
life is cruel.
life is a pain.
it would bliss to be free of this burden of life and burn in hell....
the warm fires.
last night i cried i was so lonely and slept and dreamt , i was happy!
i had a life in this dream and i smiled and i was happy.
like i said life is cruel for i woke to the harsh reality!
shed a tear for me cause self pity is pathetic!

Dragon Death

hi its my first foray into poetry (well it started out as death metal lyrics) and i apologize for the vast amount of license i have taken..
it wanders between second and third person...or is that first person?
well any way i wrote it in class.... while my prof was droning on.. bloody boring
and this visual came up....
so here it is

Dragon Death

Rabid Flesh
& Fetid breath.
jaundiced eyes,
jaws of death.

feel the sweat
taste the fear
say good bye
to your dear.

see her torso
swallowed whole
chewed up flesh
& splintered bone.

See her remains
in a spat out heap.
along with the ring
you bade her, keep.

Sword in hand
And scabbard true
The beast he set
Out to slew.

The beast retreats
to its lair.
He pursued it,
for vengeance fair!

The battle rage'd
& blood was drawn
War ensued
'tween beast and man.

Tooth and nail
and elven mail.
Blade of steel
and dragon scale.

Night and day
ensued the fray.
Ardor flagged
the skies turned gray.

A chance was took
his armour shook
a wave of horror
upon his look.

His sword was throw
he felt himself rise.
In the dragons claws
was his life Pried.

His body thrown
among the rocks.
His life blood flow'd
matted his locks.

He lay there dying
& with his last breath
he called out to her
before his death

For her honour
a brave man died
to avenge her death
his dead bride.

web of lies

One fool mortal sits alone.. dreaming dreams of fancy. Weaving together memories and expectations together in a web in which the only prey is himself.one fool moral looks about himself and sees people happy. He does not reason but only looks more inwards and wonders whether or not is he happy. He looks to the others happiness and tells himself that he cares not.. but he does.. so some one had told him .. once.. long ago.. in another lifetime.. or so did it seem?

He wallows in his own pain.. lets his sorrow calm him down.. his thoughts and wishes.. blurred by the vision of the joy of others… he feels dejected rejected and alone in this over populated planet.. how is that possible he wonders.. and he is sad
Nothing like pain through the heart to feel sorry for ones self.
Some one once told him.. self pity is the worst enemy.. he didn’t listen.. he pities himself and feels sorry…
And the pain ravages on!

Tragedy Scavengers

every one seems to like a good tragedy.
the public is a bunch of sadistic pigs.. jus comin home i have to come over a railway over bridge..
its kind of, how you say a suicide magnet.. ppl like jumping off.. to think of it its kind of hard to imagine taht ust yesterday i stood there..where a man has just jumped off to his death...

my first clue was an ambulance jus standing near the tracks, bu6t since the driver was jus packing gutkha in his mouth i assumed he was jus parked there taking a break then i got on the overbridge and sw the sight..

there were bicycles parked by the dozens on either side of the overbridge with people looking down upon what i assume is a gory and bloody sight..
not only cycle.. but there were scooters bikes cars and even a tourist bus.. i kid you not...

people with sunglasses and helmets in shirts and shorts, either headed out or home, to office or work, in a hurry or at leisure had stopped to take a look at the dead body of some poor soul who was probably had enough of the burden on his delicate soul while a train had done the honours of cutting him in two.. depending...

people leaning over the wall as if they were at a tourist spot in the hills looking down upon a valley, smiling and taking pictures for their albums...
its a sick world we live in.perverted and sadistic...

are you part of this world?

shame upon you

we have lost it!
why wont some one stand up and admit it?
are we ashamed to say that as a race of men and women who were created equal among animals has evolved into.. into this?
this shithole we call a gene pool?
greed and hunger ....the call of money and power ..
thats all that rules the mind today.
look around you ..
capitalism everywhere..
hang your head in shame as a human.
I spit upon us!
every this is ruled by money.
there is no love no humanity no feelings no care
slaves to capitalism is what i believe it to be.
i call out TO YOU! break free...

my head

ive looked into the future
ive looked in to the past
my mind is fuckin broken
it wasn't built to last

now if ya gonna tell me
another time will come
im gonna scream back at ya
justice will be done

ive scorned you once already
its your return tht i dread
and if i run far enough
one day i will be dead

my courage fell to pieces
no you couldnt mend it
screwing up with time
yay i tried t'bend it

in the end i lose
to you or to time
when i looked back at ya
i wished that you'd be mine!

useless buggers

ok this is what pisses me off
you know i seen lazy ppl..and i seen maharashtrians..
they have their seista and all, and its all cool..i can appreciate that
but they are just lazy ppl...
now get this senario...
i walked into a mobile shop and this guy sittin there says "dukaan band hai" im like what the fuck? i jus want a scratch guard....its right under the counter..and hes like nai dukaan band hai

it totally pissed me off..


i went last night to score some pot.
now this is shady stuff done even more shadily..
you go deep inside some jhopar patti thing which smell of piss and garbage.
and this is all covert operations stuff..
so you go there ask for the stuff..he looks at you, asks for the money and goes into some shack, gives you your stuff, you dont even look at it, you put it in your pocket and run like a bat outta hell..

now yesterday was totally different.
this was a guy who came with good recos. any way i went to him at 7 and some one tells me that the main motherfucker aint there, so i go at 7.30.this mo fo tells me that hes outta stuff.
so he tells me to come back at 8 or 8.15. so i go at 8.15 and this main mofo aint tehre , of the 2 other dudes there one is already stoned and the other is gettin drunk on desi, they smell..(pew)so im standin in front of a stinky jhopar patti and shootin the shit (read backchodi) with my friend.... then abt 8.45 i get really pissed..
i mean this is taking laziness and inefficiency to its limits...
if you are doin shady stuff at least do it right..
so i leave without the stuff...
and i got so pissed that i couldnt even get stoned last night..
bitch!

one thing i cant stand is inefficiency ... at all cost.. its fuckin irritating...
so i may blaze tonit, or i may not,
the whole deal is i never go back to that bitch ass mofo, he's lost my binnis fo life.

signin out..
b back wit a story real soon.

cold dark and forgotten

she stands there.she stands in the dark.her face partially hidden in the shadows..
the only light that falls on her, comes diffused from two houses away.She is a pianist.but oh, not by profession.but by the heart instead.she stands in the shadows looking.staring. thinking.contemplating, yet undecisive.lost in thoughts only she can think.is she sad?i dont know.but this i do know.tht she is not happy. "whats the difference" you ask.

ask this not of me,not of her but to yourselves..ask that when you are not happy are you sad? or vice versa? it is but a state of mind .. but do lets get back to her..she still stands in the balcony.looking out into he dark alley.i mentioned she is not happy, so you may ask why isn't she happy...Ah !finally a question i can answer.she has lost her music. a music piece so beautiful that when she heard it in her head for the first time she wept with joy, but she had lost it, it had come to her along with a wave of emotions and was swept away just as fast.
it was lost and this is why she was not happy. she could also ave been sad. i wouldn't know.

she feels its loss.and the pain that loss brings also painfully gnaws at her insides.the pain of losing a piece of music that she was in danger of never hearing again.it was a catastrophic thought similar to saying that one would never see a sunset again.she tried, alas, in vain to piece back tattered and torn fragments of the music.trying to simulate the emotionms was a failure too.the inspiration was lost. it was already forgotten.

the black and cold around her does not simulate the emotions, the happy emotions , that allowed the gateway to that wonderful masterpiece she had heard and forgotten just as swiftly.

she still stands in the balcony, unmoving.a tear rolls down her cheek, telling the story, of how much the sound meant to her.music felt not heard.on the fabric of imagination but not on the fabric of existence.
lost forever to a world which may or may not have cared. but she did.she cared.and so she wept.and the tear rolled, continuing with a story of its own.

she tried to wipe it away but the teardrop had a destiny and a story of its own that it had to complete.and so it rolls off her cheek catches a gentle breeze , and going off into the world dissipating and breaking up just like the music whose story it told, leaving her behind in the balcony just as we met her.with her long hair blowin in the wind and gently tickling her long slender pianist fingers.

the pain in your heart (guy version)..sorry girls i dont know your point of view !

hey.does any one even read this?

has it ever happened thatyou see this beautiful face which takes your breath away..i mean literally.say across the street ...in a car coming the opposite way...or on the tv.its unattainable unreachable.And highly unlikely and close to impossible that you'll ever see that face again?
at that time have you got this feeling of pain in your chest..its like a stab at the heart.it says "you can look at her but dont touch.think but dont speak"

its one of those beautiful faces...you cant think about carnally or vulgarly.its just so pure.so fresh flawless with an aspect of unmatchable veracity.
its the face that would launch a thousand ships.not elaborate yet so beautiful.

and that pang of pain in your heart that you will never be able to attain her.
well you know what if you attained her you would be content with sitting her up on a table and kneeling before her chanting "we are not worthy"!
but thats it.its that instant when you set your eyes on her that you say ok.ill die happy now.ive seen the most beautiful woman on earth.
its about that instant when you feel pity at your condition..an over whelming wave of emotions washes over you like an alpha wave...and you get sucked under.to come up breathless...
(an apt analogy there and a good alliteration too )
same happens here...she goes off taking with her her charm beauty and elegance.the flawlessness of her...and you are left gasping for more...and of course your breath.
perhaps im not being clear in my expression of this .."beautiful woman"..it could be the girl next door...looking her best..a new girl in college..they give you a pang of guilt..i guess thats another name for the pain that i cant describe....a guilt that you will never be her equal...forever her inferior..and thus are unworthy.
you question your very being and purpose of living and at that moment life becomes insipid and tasteless..
Women dont realize it...well some do...what power they hold over men...their power of their beauty

men are like dogs...they need the atttention...and they are attracted towards anyone who will show them beauty and affection...
well women have that power over men....to control you play with you...

to leave you with that pang of pain when you see them...fall in love ...then out again..dashing your hopes upon rocks like the same alpha wave that sucked you under.then drawing back to the ocean they came from leaving behind a vacuum
a vacuum
vacuum!!!!
but women are not to blame.its not that they do it on purpose but on the other hand are rather oblivious to the fact that tehy cause this effect.
but none the less...they do.


Dedicated to all the women who gave me that pain ! thank you!

also to all the girls that have broken my heart...i appreciate it that they didnt break my will too!

Have you ever thought?no? i thought so.Most people avoid it!why?cause they cant face up to the lies we live.look at us.a pitiful bunch we are. the world was made equally for all of us.just because we advanced we assume right over this planet tipping the balance in our favour. but thats not what this is about. this is about the way of life. we spend our time in offices.in front of computers,in labs,building. working. slogging 40 hours a week.even more.why? to make money.to feed our families.take care of their needs.but. and this but is huge...have you ever thought if there was another way to live? there are two ways to live.the life of responsibilty ..no doubt which all of us have.we take on that responsibility bravely.taking our lives education and jobs seriously taking in a couple of holidays every few years...but was that the true intent of life? think! there is a beautiful planet out there.waiting for you!you live as you do and you will die not having seen the world you lived in..but only the world created around you. out there are wonders of nature.green grassy plains...snow capped mountains..wouldnt you rather walk barefoot across a grass field than attend cocktail parties wearing patent leather shoes?



an example i can give is .. there was a man who was in the record books for punctuality.he was never late for work and never missed a single day of wok in all his life and carrees.come hell or high water..literally...he used to go to work if it involved him carrying his bicycle on his head.my point is that he may have achieved what he set out to do but look at what all he lost out on.he lost out on the love of his family.lesser time spent with them.and he missed out on his beautiful country.

there are so many wonderful experiences out there that every minute you are not out there experiencing them you are missing out on natures wonders.if life is like an asortment of icecreams..dont be stuck with vanilla..try them all...

they say you a re born once and die once..but everytime you experience something new you relive your life.

GO!

this is some thing new.

Yesterday i was standing at this thela eating a bhutta.this little girl came up and wanted one too.she had this 5re coin in her hand.she just stood and watched,while the people in front for who came before her waited their turn just as she waited hers.she had these simple innocent clear eyes.like limpid pool.i looked at them and saw same thing im not accouctomed.purity.of mind and soul.and more importantly innocence.

each time the guy fanned the fire roasting the corn and sparks flew out, she recoiled a bit..and it got me thinking.such a small girl all alone on the road.full oftrusting eyes,and a trusting heart.knows nothing of this world.its liesand deception..and the games people play.

its no place for kids.people are callous and unfeelings. those eyes called out to me i was transfixed at the same time and was unable to move.it killed me jus sitting there to watch the fear in her eyes...of just a few sparks....i wondered how she would ever face the harsh realities of life...i jus wanted to sheild her from the pain of the world...but i couldnt.for you see, i had no right!

but i want you to ask of yourself one thing.one day when you have kids..and see the innocence in their eyes..would you be able to keep them out of your sight ,lest they see something harmful; or come to some harm them selves?how would you get them to face the harsh facts of life...expenses,shortages,taxes , pain and death and separation...

ask yourselves that when your kids cross the street alone it wont wrench your heart..

ask yourselves. that when your kids go for their 1st day at school it wont hut them in any way...and hurt you in turn!

ask your selves how you will see the pain in their eyes when their pet animal dies and you try to explain that it died and they will never see them again.


Kids.they are life.they show us the meaning of life.

i would love my kids sooo much that ive decided not to have any!

Life!

Life is about a lot of things.we live it as though we have a lot of time, but we dont realize that while we plan and think we are losing that time.we have people around us, and one thing we need from those people is their support and love.

has it ever happened that you were admidst a number of people but still felt lonely?ever felt that although there are so many people around you ,that you are essentially alone?

i have that feeling.that maybe i jus dont connect with people on their level.there lonliness comes in.seeping like the ooze from a leaky sewage pipe.and into your lives.you sordid lonely single serving measly existence.

you have had that feeling of lonliness?then welcom to my side.you need love!of course you have love , you say .but thats just what you say.ask your self do you feel?do you feel loved?

think about it.ever lay alone ion bed... jus wishing you had some one to hold..that some one would hold you..and things wouldbe sooo much better...that to wake up next to that special some one...

and im not talking about a one night stand lovin... its for keeps...even the most playboy type guys know what im talking about...on the surface of it they are lik 'fuck it dude...no steady .... no ball and chain = happiness..."wrongo!



ask your self and ill be back soon with more insights on mankinds measly existence on earth!